The 50 worst things about modern football

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Stephen

Yorkshire is best
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50. Technical areas
Did Bob Paisley need a technical area when Liverpool won three European Cups and six league titles? Did Alf Ramsey need a technical area when England won the World Cup? Whats so technical about a bit of grass and some white lines, anyway? Memo to all modern managers: Sit down and shut up.

49. Motorway service stations
You pop in to go to the toilet and five minutes later youve bought a full-English breakfast for 18.99 and joined the AA.

48. Transfer windows
Imagine if you could only do your shopping twice a year - once in January and then in June, July and August. What would happen? Youd have a fridge full of beer and youd run out of toilet paper. It wouldnt work in real life and it doesnt work in football.

47. Squad numbers
Remember the days when the best player was No 10 and goalkeepers were No 1? Not any more. Thanks to someone at the Premier League watching an American football game, players can have any number they want. George Bowyer is Rochdales No 33, Ronaldinho is AC Milans No 80 and William Gallas is Arsenals No 10. Why?

45. Craig Bellamy
Hes gobby, hes played for 842 clubs, hes covered in tattoos and he earns 90,000 a week. Whats not to like?

44. Undisclosed transfer fees
If youre going to spend some of my hard-earned season ticket money on a player Ive never heard of, I want to know how much he cost. Im not interested in add-ons or projected fees. I just want a number. Any number will do.

43. Statistics
American obsession that is gradually weaving itself into the fabric of our national game. Do you care how many assists Wayne Rooney has this season? Do you care how many passes Steve Gerrard has completed in the final third? Do you care if Gareth Barrys tackle win ratio has dropped off since Christmas? Thought not. Theres only one stat that matters. The score.

42. By mutual consent
Three of the most meaningless words in the English language. Either the manager resigned or he was sacked. Just tell us the truth, we can handle it.

41. Fans who complain when games are called off
Were little white things falling out of the sky when you walked to the car this morning? Was the pavement a bit slippery? If the answer to both these questions is yes, theres a good chance the games going to be called off. Its not the referees fault, its not the FAs fault and its not the groundsmans fault. Some things just werent meant to be.

40. Gloves

This is England, not Siberia. Your hands will warm up if you run around for five minutes

39. The fat bloke in row P
Go to any football ground anywhere in England and there will be a fat bloke in your row who will a) arrive late b) talk rubbish c) leave five minutes before half time d) come back five minutes after the game has restarted e) talk rubbish f) leave five minutes before the game has finished.

38. The manager's programme column
First off Id like to say a big welcome to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah we were robbed last week blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the lads have been training brilliantly blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah get behind the lads today blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Enjoy the game.

37. Formations
Yawn. 4-4-1-1, 4-3-2-1, 4-3-3, 4-1-4-1, 4-2-3-1, 3-5-2, 4-2-1-3. Cant we just knock it up to the big bloke and get the little bloke to bang it in?

36. Chelsea
The new Manchester United.

35. Sky Sports News
The television station that thinks John Carews ingrowing toenail responding to treatment is breaking news. Is Sky Sports News the greatest invention known to man or a drug more addictive than crack? Well be back after the break.

34. trainline.com
If you fancy following your team around the country by public transport, dont bother with one of the worst websites in the world. Try telling it you want a train from Manchester to London on Saturday night - journey time 2 hours 30 minutes. No problem. Get the 21:06 to Birmingham New Street. Then jump on 22:53 to Northampton. Then hop on the 04:58 bus to Leighton Buzzard. Then hop on the 06.44 bus to London. With any luck youll be in Euston at 8 oclock on Sunday morning journey time 11 hours.

33. Added time
The fourth official has indicated that there will be three minutes of added time. So what? We got along just fine without a bloke in a tracksuit holding up a big No 3 at a quarter to five every Saturday.

32. Joey Barton
We dont like to kick a man when hes down, but he did, so here goes. Type Joey Barton Scum into google and you get 30,500 results.

31. Official statements
Did Robinho really say, I am committed to helping Manchester City become the force the owners assured me they would become? Maybe one of his agents typed it into his Blackberry. Robinho doesnt know what committed or assured mean because he doesnt speak English.

30. Match Of The Day
Used to be the best programme on TV. Now, its the best football highlights show on TV on Saturday nights.

29. Electronic pitchside advertising boards
Next time you go to Old Trafford make sure you take some sunglasses, otherwise youll be blinded by the light from the adverts on the TV screens wrapped around the pitch. A word of advice for the skinny latte-sipping Soho adman who came up with this idea: We cant afford a new Audi. Were here for the football and the beer.

28. Referee's assistants
Theyre linesmen. End of.

27. Hi-tech dugouts
Minutes from Manchester United board meeting May 2007: Sir Alex Ferguson requested that the board sanction the removal of the plastic seats in the home and away dugouts at Old Trafford. The manager wants them replaced with leather racing car seats like the ones they have in Porsches and Ferraris. Sir Bobby said that was ridiculous. Sir Alex told Sir Bobby to shut up.

26. The fourth official
Pointless like Luton Town until last Saturday.

25. Club shops
Empires of tat and greed that make your local Poundstretcher look like Harrods. The club shop at the Emirates Stadium has a special section for Arsenal presents for your dog. The Stamford Bridge megastore sells Chelsea Christmas crackers 10.43 for a pack of six and Manchester United have ventured into the toiletries market. Ever fancied washing your hair with Manchester United shampoo and conditioner? Now you can. For 9.99.

24. Media training
All Premier League players and managers are given media training to make sure that they never say anything remotely interesting when someone puts a microphone in front of them. Now you know why theyre taking one game at a time, why they didnt see their captain punch one of his team-mates, why they havent thrown in the towel yet and why everything is going to be terrific.

23. Kaka
If hes not interested in money why do AC Milan have to pay him 173,000 a week?

22. Let Me Entertain You
Atrocious Robbie Williams song that has ruined the build-up to every single football game in the world since it was released in 1998

21. Points deductions
This is England, not Italy. Deducting points from teams because they failed to comply with the Football Leagues insolvency rules or because they paid agents through a holding company has turned the bottom of League Two into a joke. Luton Town started the season on minus 30 points. The team at the bottom of the table should be the worst side in the league, not the club with the idiot accountant.

20. Official club websites
Good for getting directions to the ground, but not much else.

19. ITV
We havent forgotten about the ITV Digital disaster and your FA Cup coverage isnt much to shout about either.

18. Opinions
We live in an Everyones entitled to my opinion kind of world and when it comes to football, everyones got one. Rafas God. Rafas an idiot. Becks is past it. No, hes not. How can Kaka be worth 100 million? Yeh, but youd pay 45 to see him play. Stevie G and Lamps cant play together. But theyre the best weve got. Cant we all just shut up and watch the game?

17. Brazil
The greatest team in the world have become footballs Harlem Globetrotters. Ronaldinho and Co have played only one friendly in Brazil in the past 2 years. In the meantime theyve put on a show in Oslo, Kuwait, Stockholm, London (four, about to be five, times), Basel, Gothenburg, Dortmund, Montpellier, Chicago, Boston, Dublin, Seattle and Boston. Ker-ching.

16. Internet message boards
My teams better than yours. No, my teams better than yours. No, my teams better than yours. No. my teams better than yours. Repeat until the world ends.

15. Tattoos
When we were kids only sailors and binmen had tattoos. Now, you cant walk into a dressing-room without being blinded by Celtic crosses, barbed wire, angels, Chinese proverbs, the name of everyones kids, the name of everyones kids in Hebrew, the name of everyones wife, the name of everyones wife in Latin, a couple of Welsh dragons and Steve Sidwells marriage vows.

14. Superagents
How does an agent become a superagent? Make a few phone calls, get friendly with Roman Abramovich and buy a flat in Knightsbridge.

13. Injuries
Were down to the bare bones and its not surprising considering that modern-day footballers are about as tough and durable as a Ming vase. Half of them cant run without pulling a hamstring and the other half cant tackle with breaking a metatarsal. Whats a hamstring anyway? And how come Bobby Moore never pulled one?

12. Manchester City
The new Chelsea.

11. Kick-off times
Football used to be played at three oclock on a Saturday afternoon. Now its played when it suits Sky and Setanta.

10. Goal celebration music
Listen. Very. Carefully. We. Dont. Want. To. Hear. I. Feel. Good. Chelsea. Dagger. Or. Song. Two. Every. Time. Someone. Scores. A. Goal. Got. That?

9. The FA Cup
When was the last time a milkman lifted the FA Cup? When was the last time a postman scored at Wembley? Theres nothing romantic about a competition which ends every year with a bloke who earns 100,000 a week lifting a trophy that he doesnt really give a monkeys about.

8. Takeovers
In the old days all you needed to support your local club was a scarf and rattle, but these days you need a degree in economics, an MBA and a subscription to the Financial Times. Come back all you butchers, car dealers, property developers and local boys made good all is forgiven.

7. Wembley Stadium
The old Wembley Stadium had it all. Players dreamed of playing there and supporters dreamed of going there - even if the toilets smelled a bit funny. Then some bright spark at the FA thought it would be a good idea to knock down the most famous football stadium in the world and replace it with an 800 million concrete box and a pointless arch. Best stadium in the world? Thanks to Arsenals new ground, the new Wembleys not even the best stadium in North London.

6. Radio phone-in shows
The next caller is Gary from Guildford. What do you want to get off your chest, Gary?
Well, Alan. I think Rafas got to go. How can you leave Torres on the bench when you need three points? And as for that ref, hes got to be the worst ref Ive ever seen.
Were you at the game, Gary?
No.

5. Rotation
You pay 50 for a ticket, you spend 10 on a pint of beer and a hotdog and you get to watch a kickabout between a bunch of kids no-ones ever heard of. Thanks Arsene. Thanks Rafa. Thanks Alex. Nice to know you care.

4. New stadium
Where would you rather watch a game? Maine Road or the City of Manchester Stadium? The Baseball Ground or Pride Park? Highfield Road or The Ricoh Arena? The Dell or St Marys? Filbert Street or The Walkers Stadium? Nice prawn sandwiches, though.

3. The Champions League
Whats changed since the European Cup turned into the Champions League in 1992? Everything. If you won the European Cup, you were the best team in Europe. If you win the Champions League, you owe someone 700 million.

2. The Premier League
Whats changed since the Premier League broke away from the Football League in 1992? Everything. If you won the First Division title, you were the best team in England. If you win the Premier League, you owe someone 500 million.

1. Television
The monster that ate football.
 

keith74

THFC
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Sep 11, 2006
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bloody hell mate that took me long enough to read how long did that take to type.. like it though
 

Gruntfuttock

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That was good, but you missed one thing. The so called England Supporters Band. If I want to see a jazz band I go to a concert, not a football match. I'm sure England have been playing worse since they started up.
 

Trogg

the bouncer
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nah the number one slot should go to

1) it exists and some people can't seem to grasp that you won't die if you stop watching/talking/thinking about it or stop paying stupid amounts of money to show which team you "support"
 

plasticcruiser

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Oct 7, 2008
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massive wages paid to players . number of foreign players which i think ultimatly affects the standard of english players available for england selection. how can you support an english team when all the players are foreign.
 
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