Spanky's thread

[spanky]

BBC: Schools to remain closed until end of January...

Some people never learn.

 

[spanky]

My ungrateful wife hated the present I bought her so I’ve decided to sell it...

For Sale: One ungrateful wife.

 

[spanky]

I sexually identify as a microwave meal...

I come ready in three minutes and look nothing like the picture.

 

[spanky]

My mate goes to the gym religiously every week...

He's the one on the treadmill dressed as a vicar.

 

[spanky]

I have an uncanny ability to predict what's inside a wrapped present...

You might say it's a gift.

 

[spanky]

I don't mean to brag, but I just finished a 2 week diet program in just over 8 hours.

 

[Stumbler]

My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.

 

[spanky]

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are reportedly divorcing...

At this difficult time, please give them the privacy and space they need to make a TV reality show, clothing line, new perfume, aftershave, makeup range and album about the break-up.

 

[spanky]

The missus says she's going to donate her body to science after she dies...

This is good news - hippo/human hybrids are very rare.

 

[spanky]

My brother took being sent to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.

After that we never played Monopoly again.

 

[The Landlord]

I was bored so decided to swap all the wrappers on the sweets in the box of celebrations..... my wife wasn’t happy. She got all her snickers in a twix

 

[spanky]

First trip booked for Jan 2021, going to Iceland...

Fingers crossed if that goes well looking at Tesco in Feb and Asda in March.

 

[spanky]

I've just been fingered for a crime...

A bit harsh as I was hoping for just a caution.

 

[spanky]

Last night I looked up at the stars and wondered...

What am I doing outside?

 

[spanky]

Drinking Fosters...

really puts the wee in weekend.

 

[spanky]

Police are now issuing COVID fines if you have a particularly ugly wife.

 

[spanky]

CORRECTION: Sorry, I misread the article. You get fined if you're "mingling".

 

[PJG]

Keep 'em coming, we all need a chuckle at the moment.

 

[spanky]

Me: "This show is boring."

Boss: "Once again Dave, this is a Zoom meeting."

 

[FishermanEire]

Love your work Spanky, put's a smile on my face every time