Spanky's thread

spanky

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This morning I discovered I had HIV AIDS, PTSD, ADHD, ALS, ME, CFS, UTI, IBS, MS, MRSA, TIA & VD...

Then the missus screamed at me to stop messing about with my Alphabetti Spaghetti.
 

mickthestick

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Albert Einstein was a genius even as a child but his brother Frank was a little monster
 

Stumbler

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Just rang up B&Q and asked how big the Queue is?

He said, ”Same size as the B” !
 

spanky

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Some vandal set fire to my allotment last night.

Now all I've got left is the chard remains.
 

mickthestick

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The inventor of the Slot Machine tried for months to work out how to make it work and then finally the Penny dropped
 

spanky

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Apparently most Zoo owners give their animals names...

Hugh Gnu?
 

spanky

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I've just bought my pet duck a face mask so I can take him for a walk during covid-19 restrictions.

It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
 

Stumbler

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If Covid-19 has forced you to wear glasses and a facemask,

then you maybe entitled to condensation
 

spanky

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Starbucks have announced that the lockdown has cost their business about £1.3bn...

Or in other words, the equivalent of four hot chocolates, an Americana and two sandwiches.
 

spanky

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I take great care when putting ketchup on my dinner...

All my food is responsibly sauced.
 

spanky

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Shops in Wales have been given the go ahead to open next week.

In preparation for this, shopkeepers have been brushing up on their selective inability to speak English.
 

spanky

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There was some proper partying in Liverpool last night...

Luckily, they don't have to get up for work in the morning.
 

spanky

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"Shall we adopt another child?" said my wife.

"Yes," I replied, "this one's useless."
 

mickthestick

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Just walked thro the Cemetery and a bloke was on his knees sobbing his heart out crying out "why did you die , why did you have to die, it was heart rending. I asked him who's grave was it and he replied , the Wifes first Husband
 

spanky

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I took my blind girlfriend to a concert, and during the interval she turned towards me and with her eyes flickering all over the shop and said “Isn’t life cruel? I was born blind and you were born without a nail on your thumb.“
 

spanky

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My wife is working late at the hospital tonight so, just before she is due home, I'm going to run a hot bath with her favourite bath salts, light perfumed candles around the rim, and have a nice bottle of champagne chilled and ready.

Then I'm going to enjoy a long soak while she cooks my dinner.
 

spanky

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I really, really hate those bleach blocks that people put in toilets...

Sorry - I just had to get that out of my cistern.
 

spanky

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Not only would the toilet not flush...

but now it seems I'm also banned from B&Q.
 

mickthestick

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Called in the Jewellers earlier and asked " How much for the Golden circle of Doom" , he replied "It's called a Wedding Ring Sir"
 
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