Some for Spanky

Dave

Red Leader
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Aug 8, 2001
Messages
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I treated my wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day,
and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't muck about!

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I saw an advert for burial plots...I thought to myself,that's the last thing I need.

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I walked by a homeless guy,he had a sign that said "one day this could be you" So I put my money back in my pocket in case he was right.

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The owner of a golf course in Surrey was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of London. I need some help.

If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought for a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings”.

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A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, "Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit!"

She said "I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Hull Kingston Rovers."

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Don,t you hate it when people answer their own questions..I do

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My wife was going through her wardrobe,she said "look at this, it still fits me after 25 years" I said "it,s a scarf"

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My mate rang me last night sobbing his heart out.I asked what was wrong,apparently his wife had left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish.Poor bloke I thought,No woman,No sky!

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I failed my ventriloquist exams...

I can't say I'm surprised.

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Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six.
The pilot let us take them all and he had the same sort of plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick: 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

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Wow! My uncle left me a Stately Home in his will!

I've no idea where Sod Hall is, but I'm really excited!!

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* I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She exclaimed, "That's the biggest one I've ever laid hands on!"
I said, "You're pulling my leg."

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* I saw a poor old lady fall over in the street today. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

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* My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend . . . yet.

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* Went for my regular checkup today. It was all going well until he stuck his finger up my bum!
Do you think I should get a new dentist?

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* A wife accuses her husband of always pushing her around and talking behind her back.
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

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* I was explaining reincarnation to my wife last night regarding how you die, then come back as a different creature. She said she liked the idea of coming back as a cow.
I said, "Darling....you weren't listening".

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* The wife's been missing for over a week now. The Police said I should prepare for the worst.
So, I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.

* At the Bowlo's Trivia Night last week, I lost by two points: One question was: "Name a place where women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently a better answer would have been "Fiji"!
 
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