Joke of the day.

DFL

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Now that the clocks have gone back, I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.

Is this the winter of my disco tent?
 

Dave

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I text my wife today. "I had a bad accident at work. I fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital. The Dr's examined me, they x-rayed my legs & say I may never walk again and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life." She texted back, "Who the f*** is Sarah?
 

Godber

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The wife was in the bath today when she heard a knock at the door
"who is it?" she shouted
"the blind man" came the reply
Thinking he wouldn't be able to see anything she nipped downstairs naked and opened the door
"nice tits, where do you want the blinds fitted"
 

Rich51

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I made soup only using ingredients from the atmosphere.....
It was a broth of fresh air
 

Rich51

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I tripped over a box of Kleenex early and thought I'd broken my ankle...
Luckily it was just soft tissue damage
 

George Jones

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An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar. The nurse asks "why no sperm sample". He says "sorry, I tried with my right hand then my left then my wife tried with both hands and then her mouth, at first with her teeth in and then without. Then we got Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just can't get the fookin jar open!
 

warrington63

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Screenshot_20221114-164814_Lite.jpg
 

Peter

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Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
 

Rich51

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An elderly lady was In a lift in a lavish hotel in London, when a young beautiful woman gets in, smelling of very expensive perfume. She turns to the elderly lady and says arrogantly “Romance, by Ralph Lauren, £150 an ounce!”.

The lift goes to the next floor and another beautiful young woman gets in and arrogantly turns to the elderly lady and says “Chanel number 5, £500 an ounce!”.

Two floors later, the elderly lady, goes to exit the lift, stops turns to look at the two arrogant women, bends over and farts, and says “Brussels Sprouts 75p a pound!”
 

Peter

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A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
 

ATTICUS FINCH

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A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
I'm waiting for the girlfriends reply
 

Peter

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works Fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
 
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