Joke of the day.

The Landlord

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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in > Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and > make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
 

Chris Calder

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Rich51

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It's a little known fact that singer Alfie Boe has a brother who is a confectioner, Harry.....
 

Peter

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I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, "Bloody hell you dirty git, that stinks"...
It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time...
 

Peter

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A nun went into an off license and asked for a bottle of whisky.
"Whisky?", the assistant asked, "I thought you nuns didn't drink!"
"We don't", the nun replied, "This is for the Mother Superiors constipation!"
She bought the whisky and left.
Later that night the assistant saw the same nun dead drunk on a park bench.
"I thought that was for the Mother Superior's constipation?", he said.
"It ish!", she replied, "When she sees me like this, she'll totally lose her :poop:!"
 

PJG

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Nov 15, 2018
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What's the difference between "unlawful" and "illegal"? Something "unlawful" is something not lawful but "illegal" is a big bird that doesn't feel too good.....
 
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