Joke of the day.

George Jones

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Nov 1, 2021
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
 

Rich51

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An ice cream van ran into the back of me yesterday,
My neck hurt so i was taken to hospital for a check up, the doctor said I'm suffering from Mr Whippy lash.
 

muskrat

Havin' a Waggle
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Next time you're asked to describe your gender on a form, and the choices include stuff like Binary, Non-Binary etc.
Tick the "Other" option and write in "Hexadecimal - Because I don't give "afec" :ROFLMAO:
 

TrickyD

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...​

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...
The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".
The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV.
The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard.
As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first.
As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead.
He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.
The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon.
"Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you ****ing pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
 

Peter

'Mugger'
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Sep 18, 2001
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25,164
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
 

Dave Spence

MD virtual champion 2020. Golden Pie winner 2018.
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Feb 19, 2017
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Prince Charles turned up at the last drowners match to present the prizes. He was wearing a Dave Crocket type cap made out of Fox fur. Peter asked him “excuse me sir but that is very unusual headgear”

“Oh it was mummy’s idea” replied the prince. “When I told her I was going to Lindholme, she said wear the fox hat”
 

warrington63

Exiled Northerner
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Oct 15, 2017
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A bloke dials 999

Call Handler : "Police emergency, how can we help ?"

Bloke: "Come quickly, two women are fighting over me in Roberts Road , They are going for it hammer and tongs, Biting scratching, hair pulling ."

Call Handler: "Sir, if they are fighting over you, why do you want us to attend ,?"

Bloke: "The ugly one is winning ".
 

Godber

Fruity Susan, Nobice and Inventor of W@nkles.
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Aug 12, 2006
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Little Johnny and his mum are driving behind a bin lorry when it hit a bump and a pink dildo hit their windscreen.
"what was that mummy?"
Thinking quickly she replied
"a fly son, just a fly"
"wow, a fly! you should have seen the size of its cock"
 

Gaz9243

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Apr 3, 2017
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757
❤ SENIOR SEX ❤
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 

Rich51

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I’ve had a rough few year’s, it’s been hard, although anyone who knows me will know, I don’t want to go on about it.
However just lately I’m feeling quite proud of myself and I feel am finally getting there.
Ever since I started working at
The XXXL Trouser Company,
I've been making enormous strides.
 

Gaz9243

Regular member
Joined
Apr 3, 2017
Messages
757
I’ve had a rough few year’s, it’s been hard, although anyone who knows me will know, I don’t want to go on about it.
However just lately I’m feeling quite proud of myself and I feel am finally getting there.
Ever since I started working at
The XXXL Trouser Company,
I've been making enormous strides.
Know how you feel mate, since I’ve been working at the trampoline factory, I’ve been coming on leaps and bounds
 

gingert76

Cebu, Philippines
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Dec 3, 2002
Messages
4,543
1658396911328.png
 

Rich51

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556
Subject:: Where Whitefella Go Wrong?

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:

"When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."
 
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