Joke of the day.

Rich51

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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,"This bull mated 120 times last year.
The wife gave her husband healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go ask him if it was with the same cow."
 

smiffy

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Sorry if this is a repeat.
My girlfriend just admitted to me she use to be christian. I had to break up with her.
It might seem judgemental, but I’ve only ever known her as Christine.
 

Rich51

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Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
 

muskrat

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Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
That's worthy of a "TAXI for Mr. Rich51 !!" 🚕
 

chris1967

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0F1A5EBA-EBAC-40A4-AF28-07FBFB73B60F.jpeg
 

Peter

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Johnny," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a :poop: sir," says Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a bricklayer," says Johnny.
The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?

"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a :poop: sir," says Bobby.
"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a joiner," says Johnny.
The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.

"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"
"He's a lawyer, sir" says Freddy.
"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He reads The Times, sir," says Freddy.
"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"
"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a :poop:"
:ROFLMAO:
 

Rich51

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My friend has just passed his masters degree in salad studies
He now has lettuce after his name
 

Rich51

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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date in over five years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entring the examination room, Dr. Chang said, 'OK, take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

'Your problem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
 

John Step

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Johnny," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a :poop: sir," says Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a bricklayer," says Johnny.
The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?

"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a :poop: sir," says Bobby.
"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a joiner," says Johnny.
The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.

"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"
"He's a lawyer, sir" says Freddy.
"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He reads The Times, sir," says Freddy.
"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"
"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a :poop:"
:ROFLMAO:
I have just read this to Mrs Step and she is still cackling !
 

Peter

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Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey Idjit put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
 

Rich51

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My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I explained that I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then got excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever,
which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
 

Derk55

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An Irish man and his son go to the zoo. A sign says “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”
The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stamps its foot 6 times.
“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad”
The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun ….
A moment later the elephant farts and stamps twice ….
“Bejaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”
 

George Jones

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A woman goes on holiday to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him,
'What is your name?'
'I can't tell you,' the man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'
'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black man.
'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!' the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,
' I knew you would make fun of it'.
The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica.’
 

George Jones

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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,
"I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he
left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for £50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him £50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian .. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to
return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have
made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke!
 
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