Joke of the day.

Godber

Fruity Susan, Nobice and Inventor of W@nkles.
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Get lost!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over the hallway carpet. He continued, "And if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat what's left." "Well," the old lady said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because the power got cut off this morning."
 

TrickyD

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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the better sex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I slept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.
 

gingert76

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Peter

'Mugger'
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I walked into my house the other day to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall.
'We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want £500,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call.'

They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 136 missed calls from them so far!!!
 

Rich51

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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Darling, would you like some bacon and eggs on toast and some juice a and coffee?"

"Thanks for asking, Honey,” he replies, “But I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him, "How about a bowl of soup with homemade muffins, Sweetheart, or a toasted ham and cheese sandwich?"

He declines again, "Sorry, Sweetie, this Viagra stuff really trashes my appetite."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, "Darling, how about a juicy rib eye steak and some fresh apple pie and ice cream?"

"No thanks, Love," he declines again, "It's got to be the Viagra. I'm just not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm bloody starving!”
 

The Landlord

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A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.
So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.
"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".
There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.
"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.
So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.
"It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as he fits in the cannon".
 

Rich51

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Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
 

Rich51

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the b*****d is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
 

Rich51

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A blonde and a brunette were having a natter and the brunette said, "my boyfriend had very bad dandruff, so I gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it was gone in no time.

The blonde thought for a while and then said, "how do you give shoulders?"
 

Rich51

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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked....
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
 
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