Joke of the day.

[breadflake]

or one over each shoulder

 

[Rich51]

My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop, don't you mean clothes shop?
"No" he said " come in and have a rook"

 

[The Landlord]

The inventor of distorted mirrors has died.

His funeral will be held in asymmetry.

So did the world's untidiest man. His body is lying in a state

 

[ATTICUS FINCH]

I'm proud to say that as of today I have just completed the first thing on my bucket list.




I now have a bucket.

 

[Scardinius]

What is a tortoises favourite coat?






a hard shell

 

[AndyUnderwood]

I was in that restaurant and he threw a piece of cheese at me, I picked it up, looked at it and thought that wasn't mature.

How dairy

 

[Rich51]

A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs earlier today
Doctors say he should be ok but he's not out of the woods yet......

 

[Arry]

The other night while my son was doing his homework, he said to me dad what's the difference between PROBABILITY and FACT.

Being a practical kind of dad, I said go and ask your mother if she would sleep with the postman for a million pounds ,he came back and said yes she would .

Right I said ,now go and ask your big sister if she would sleep with the milkman for a million pounds, he came back and said yes she would.

So there you have it son ,in all PROBABILITY as a family ,we are sitting on assets of two million pounds .

But in actual FACT ,we're living with two slappers.

 

[Peter]

Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!! ....

 

[warrington63]

 

[Chris Calder]

Mum comes home after a week away,
And asks 10 year old daughter how her and dad had coped while she was away
Little girl says, daddy had a strange woman over and they went upstairs to the bedroom
Really ,says mum,wait til daddy gets home and you can tell me then
Dad arrives home and mum asks daughter to recount the whole story In front of him
Daughter says, well they went upstairs ,so I crept up as well to see what they were doing , they went into the bedroom And I peeped through the keyhole
Go on said mum, they started kissing then daddy took her clothes off
What happened next said mum ,daddy undressed and got on the bed with her
And what did they do then asked mum
The same as you and uncle dave did the week daddy was away in Scotland ,
Replied the girl

 

[Rich51]

I couldn’t undo the buttons on my jumper, I tried pulling it over my head but got stuck.

I’m now in A&E waiting to see a cardyologist.

 

[CarpCatcher86]

The other night while my son was doing his homework, he said to me dad what's the difference between PROBABILITY and FACT.

Being a practical kind of dad, I said go and ask your mother if she would sleep with the postman for a million pounds ,he came back and said yes she would .

Right I said ,now go and ask your big sister if she would sleep with the milkman for a million pounds, he came back and said yes she would.

So there you have it son ,in all PROBABILITY as a family ,we are sitting on assets of two million pounds .

But in actual FACT ,we're living with two slappers.

The owd ens are the best uns eh bud?

 

[CarpCatcher86]

He was a fishmonger who had his daughter with him .
She got on a table ,lay on her back and said Fill It .

She was actually a road workers daughter who loved having her asphalt.

 

[muskrat]

She was only the gravedigger’s daughter, but anyone cadaver.

 

[62tucker]

 

[Rich51]

My bedside light has turned into a butterfly....
I didn't realize it was a larva lamp

 

[Rich51]

BREAKING NEWS
Police are looking for a thief who stole a book about Stradivarius.
They have advised members of the public not to approach him because he has a history of violins

 

[Stewie74]

 

[banksy]

Just wondering whether I might have royal connections.
After partaking of Spanky’s chili vodka at the Hartleton fish-ins, I definitely experienced ‘episodic mobility problems’.