Joke of the day.

Chervil

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A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calamari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "We only have one squid left. The rare wild moustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardon, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its moustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
 

ATTICUS FINCH

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A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calamari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "We only have one squid left. The rare wild moustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardon, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its moustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
I can't believe I have just read this as I actually told that joke to my better half two days ago,as I remembered it from many years ago. , Low and behold you have put it on the forum . Spooky
 

Chervil

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I can't believe I have just read this as I actually told that joke to my better half two days ago,as I remembered it from many years ago. , Low and behold you have put it on the forum . Spooky
But, did you really tell her, or were you just hallucinating from the effects of covid? :unsure: Glad you are feeling a bit better.
 

warrington63

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Walking through Harrods, my wife turned to me and said that she would love an animal skin coat.
" Leave it to me sweetheart," I replied. .


The following day I went to Screwfix and bought her a Donkey Jacket .
 

Peter

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I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him £20 would you buy booze?
He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you £20 will you buy fishing gear? He again said no, he stopped fishing 5 years ago.
So then I said I'll do you better than £20. I'll take you home get you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you £20.
He asked me won't she go mental? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & fishing!
 

Peter

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Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret, who is 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should'a bought a hat, Bert ... You should'a bought a hat!”
 

Godber

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The bloody dog ran off last night, I walked around the park calling his name for 20mins & still couldn’t find him. The wife said I should look harder.....so I shaved my head and got a tattoo but still couldn’t find the poxy dog......
 
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