Joke of the day.

[The Landlord]

"Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.

 

[Sportsman]

I've decided not to get married again. I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and buy her a house

 

[Stewie74]

 

[Rich51]

Not sure whether to have bucks fizz for Christmas breakfast, still making my mind up....

 

[Total]

Not sure whether to have bucks fizz for Christmas breakfast, still making my mind up....

 

[George Jones]

My mate works for the Royal Mail, and part of his job is to process all the mail that has illegible addresses. One day last week, a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to Father Christmas. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and it read:
Dear Father Christmas,
I am a 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension money. In a couple of Sunday's it is Christmas, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? I could really do with you delivering anything before Xmas Day.
Sincerely, Edna
My mate was touched so he showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96.00, which they put into an envelope and delivered in the post the next day to the woman. He told me all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Then a few days ago, another letter came from the old lady, to Father Christmas again. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear Father Christmas,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you have done for me? Because of your gift of love, I am now able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. I'm sure we'll all have a very nice day and I've told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*stards at the Royal Mail ...
Sincerely, Edna..

 

[Stewie74]

 

[Stewie74]

 

[Chervil]

 

[Arry]

The England Cricket Team....

I'm here all week... I thangyew

 

[Chervil]

 

[muggins]

 

[Wey Back]

A women entered a police station and approached the desk, ‘can I help you madam’ said the officer on duty.
‘I would like to report that I’ve been sexually assaulted’ came the women’s reply.
‘I’m really sorry to hear that madam’ replied the officer, ‘is it possible you can give me some details of your assailant please’.
‘He was quite tall’ she replied, ‘he was wearing white trousers and jumper and he also had what appeared to be some padding around his legs, he was also carrying a piece of long wood with him’.
‘Thank you madam’ said the officer, it must be difficult under the circumstances for you to provide a description, however it sounds like a cricketer to me and in particular a batsman’.
‘Yes, those were my thoughts’ said the women, ‘I do believe it was one of England’s batsmen’ she replied.
‘How did you deduce that madam’ the officer asked, ‘because he wasn’t in very long’ came the reply!

 

[Chervil]

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

 

[Chervil]

 

[62tucker]

An Englishman, an Englishman and an Englishman walk into a pub

 

[peterb]

BREAKING: The English Cricket team have officially beaten the Wuhan street markets with the worst use of a bat in recorded history......

 

[Rich51]

I've just created a new game show about making hats.
It’s called
‘Who wants to be a milliner?’

 

[Alantherose]

A chap gets marooned on a desert island and after seven years a tropical cyclone hits the island forcing him to find refuge. Walking along the beach the morning after the storm, he spots an unusual shape in the distance. Cautiously approaching, he realises it is a young woman, and not only that is is the supermodel Claudia Schiffer. Ms Schiffer is in a very bad way, so the gallant fella heaves her back to his makeshift camp and carefully nurses her back to health.

Having made a full recovery, Ms Schiffer says to the guy, 'You saved my life... I am forever in your debt. Is there anything I can do for you?'

'Well,' replies our hero, I have been alone on this island for seven years and... you know, a man has needs.'

'Okay,' replies Claudia, 'I understand what you are asking... and I shall oblige you just once.'

At this, they slink off into the jungle...
A few days later, Claudia notices the chap is a bit antsy, and asks him what the matter is.

'Well, I don't know how to say this...' he mutters, 'but a man's got needs!'

'Listen, I told you that I'd oblige you only the one time' says Ms Schiffer.

'No, no...' the chap replies, 'you don't understand...'

'Well what is it then?' replies Claudia.

'It's a bit complicated,' says our man, picking up a piece of charcoal from the beach. 'but can I draw a moustache on you please?'

'Sure' says Ms Schiffer, a little confused as the man sketches a neat moustache just below her nose.

'Excellent!' he says, 'Now, can I call you John?'

'If you must' replies Claudia. At which the chap stands back and says,




'Hey John, guess what? I slept with Claudia Schiffer!'

 

[DFL]