Joke of the day.

muggins

paste man
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George Jones

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Nov 1, 2021
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When I was a kid I went to a rural school. Used to walk to school with Suzie from our neighbours farm.
One day our teacher gave us a sex education lesson. On the way home Suzie asked me what I thought about it. I think I muttered "interesting". She said, "Why don't we nip over the wall and give it a try"
My mother noticed I was getting home half an hour late every afternoon and asked me why. I didn't know I was doing anything wrong so I told her. She seemed shocked and carefully explained to me that it would make me go blind.
I explained it the next day to Suzie after she asked if we were nipping over the wall. She was as shocked as me. She said, "Teacher never told us that." I replied, " Teachers don't know everything." We walked on for 10 minutes then she said "Come on, just 'till we need glasses."
 

warrington63

Exiled Northerner
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Cedric and Tarquin are walking around the zoo,when they come to the gorilla enclosure.

A gorilla sits there looking at them,so Cedric goes to the barrier and starts blowing it kisses and holding his arms out as if wanting to hug the gorilla.Tarquin stands there laughing and egging him on to keep doing it.

The next minute the gorilla starts jumping up and down and beating his chest, this encourages Cedric to blow more kisses to tease the gorilla.

All of a sudden the gorilla jumps from the enclosure to the barrier,grabs hold of Cedric , jumps back into the enclosure and drags a squealing Cedric to his cage and goes to his sleeping quarters and slams the door shut.

Screams and shouts can be heard around the zoo, Tarquin wants to go and rescue Cedric but the keepers won't let him, even they won't go into the enclosure.

More screams and moans come from the back of the cage. This goes on for 6 hours the screams and moans getting fainter.

The gorilla opens his cage and throws a whimpering and battered Cedric out into the enclosure.

An ambulance that has been at the zoo since Cedric was grabbed, takes him to hospital.He is kept in isolation until he starts to feel better.

Tarquin turns up to visit Cedric,
Sitting on the edge of the bed and holding Cedric's hand he says
"Cedric sweetheart,are you hurt?"

Cedric replies
"Hurt...???? Of course I am hurt, he hasn't phoned me, written to me or tried to escape and visit me"
 

The Landlord

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Jul 26, 2018
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At the zoo, there's only one female gorilla in captivity. Try as they might, they just can't find a suitable male to ensure there's a succession of gorillas.
The board has a meeting & the boss says "Right....enough's enough. We need someone to get this gorilla pregnant".

His assistant said "I know....we'll ask Paddy the cleaner. He'll bang anything & we'll give him a few quid".

They get Paddy in the office & say to him....."Right Paddy..........we need someone to hump the gorilla, How about it for £100?"

Paddy has a think & says "Okay - I'll do it but on three conditions". They say no problem but what's the conditions?

Paddy says "I'm not gonna kiss her & I'm a good catholic so I'm not wearing one of them rubber things". Boss says "No problem Paddy.....we'll put a bag over her head & you just give it the full bifters. What's the third condition?

Paddy says "Can you give us a couple of weeks to get the £100 together?"
 

nomorelongwalks

Mark Spitz
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Just after Ronald Reagan was elected president.
He was asked what he was going to do about the defence of the USA??
He replied “ we are gonna place all these wagons in a circle over here”.
 

TonyA

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Apr 16, 2016
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Heard at the dinner table
"Do you want stuffing? Can I wait til my dinner's gone down?"
 

RedhillPhil

Computers verified, riots quelled, wars started.
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8,478
My dear Mrs. Fetherington-Hall
This really won't do at all
I'm covered in sweat
And you haven't come yet
And look at the time, half past four!
 
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