Joke of the day.

[Rich51]

Looking forward to autopsy club later.....its open Mike night

 

[Alantherose]

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A: Eileen

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other and a hole in her pocket?
A: Pauline

 

[Sportsman]

I went on a positive thinking course last week.
It was sh*t

 

[Sportsman]

I am trying to be a more sensitive lover. I bought a DVD on how to improve your foreplay. It was really good, apart from that boring bit at the beginning, I had to fast forward through that bit.

 

[Sportsman]

I went to my premature ejaculator's support group meeting this afternoon.
It's not until tomorrow.

 

[Sportsman]

Uri Geller.
A surprisingly hard man to stab

 

[warrington63]

 

[warrington63]

THE MOTHER IN LAW ASKED IF I WOULD KISS HER UNDER THE MISTLETOE.


I TOLD HER I WOULDN'T KISS HER
UNDER ANAESTHETIC.

 

[Godber]

I went for a job interview today and they asked me if l could perform under pressure. I said no...... but l'd give Bohemian Rhapsody a bloody good go.

 

[Rich51]

I'm opening an Elvis Presley themed steak restaurant,
It's for people who love meat tender

 

[Alantherose]

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A: Eileen

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other and a hole in her pocket?
A: Pauline

FINALLY somebody got it! Top marks @Godber

 

[Rich51]

I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby recently, all they did was talk about how good they were at the game,
There's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

 

[Dave]

At the barbers this morning,
I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.
He gave me a cushion to sit on.

 

[Alantherose]

Me and my mate were playing chess. He said, “Let’s make this more interesting...”



So we stopped playing chess.

 

[Total]

At the barbers this morning,
I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.
He gave me a cushion to sit on.

Did you mean an 'extra cushion to sit on?"

 

[George Jones]

So this guy, and this girl, they drive out into the countryside up to lover's lane and the guy makes his move, and the girl says,

"Hey listen, I gotta be honest with you, I'm a Brass"

And the guy says, "Okay" and they agree to £25 (it's an old joke)

So they go in the back and start to really go at it hard, eventually finishing up, as it were, and the guy says,

"Hey listen, I gotta be honest with you too, I'm a cab driver, and it's going to cost you £25 to get back into town."

 

[Stewie74]

 

[warrington63]

I phoned work today and said
" I won't be in today, I have anal blindness"

"What the hell is that ?" asked my boss.

" I can't see my arse getting out of bed today"
I replied

 

[Stewie74]

 

[warrington63]

I got home and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up and said
" Who's speaking"
The voice said
"You Are"