Joke of the day.

mickthestick

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Came home early yesterday and my Wife was packing a Suitcase and I ask her why , She said I'm leaving you , do you know top Ladies of the night earn £400 a time in London for what I give you for free .I said hang on love I'm coming with you , why she asked , I said I want to see how you live on £800 a Year
 

Not Now Kato

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A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me potent."

The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard boxmarked with the label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."

The next day the man walks into the same chemist right up to the same bloke and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat."

The chemist replies,"DEEP HEAT???" You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up !
 

The Landlord

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Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him €240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets €190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about €25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy!
 

Not Now Kato

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I have just had an interesting conversation with a chum of mine in the Duke of Wellington. He has been away most of the year on assignment with his job as a specialist arid regions surveyor; he has just managed to escape Australia where he has spent most of the year in the Great Victoria Desert.

He is known as a lad-about-town, plenty of women, a different one for every month it sometimes seems.

So I asked him how he managed his libido when marooned in the middle of nowhere, where civilisation and even other people are a distant dream.

"I had to put my sex drive on total shutdown", he explained; "in fact I only had one sexual experience the whole time I was out there".

We didn't allow him to rest there; he was forced to divulge the exact details of this one liaison.

"That part of Australia has a population of feral ostriches" he explained. "I spotted one with its head buried in the sand, so I-"

The pub had fallen silent. What in God's name was he about to divulge?!

" I tiptoed up behind it - I'm sorry, I was so horny that I would have shagged anything by that stage"

"Don't tell us you shagged an ostrich!" we chorused.

"As I said, I was so horny......"

When the full horror of this confession had sunk home, our curiosity overcame us.

"Go on - what was it like shagging an ostrich?"

"It was great for the first couple of miles, but then I got out of step".
 

160642fishing

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I have just had an interesting conversation with a chum of mine in the Duke of Wellington. He has been away most of the year on assignment with his job as a specialist arid regions surveyor; he has just managed to escape Australia where he has spent most of the year in the Great Victoria Desert.

He is known as a lad-about-town, plenty of women, a different one for every month it sometimes seems.

So I asked him how he managed his libido when marooned in the middle of nowhere, where civilisation and even other people are a distant dream.

"I had to put my sex drive on total shutdown", he explained; "in fact I only had one sexual experience the whole time I was out there".

We didn't allow him to rest there; he was forced to divulge the exact details of this one liaison.

"That part of Australia has a population of feral ostriches" he explained. "I spotted one with its head buried in the sand, so I-"

The pub had fallen silent. What in God's name was he about to divulge?!

" I tiptoed up behind it - I'm sorry, I was so horny that I would have shagged anything by that stage"

"Don't tell us you shagged an ostrich!" we chorused.

"As I said, I was so horny......"

When the full horror of this confession had sunk home, our curiosity overcame us.

"Go on - what was it like shagging an ostrich?"

"It was great for the first couple of miles, but then I got out of step".
A la Jethro 1995 ish !:D:D
 

warrington63

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A bloke goes into a pub in Wales,

As he ordered his drink in his English accent the pub goes quiet.

He stands at the bar supping his pint and after a while he says to the Landlord
" Dose the p up b usually go quiet when someone walks in ? "

The Landlord replies
" We are wary of strangers in these parts, you could be a tax inspector or someone from the DWP "

The bloke bursts out laughing and says" No I am not any of those "
And carries on with his pint

"So what do you do then ?" Asks the Landlord.

"I am a taxidermist" Says the bloke.

" What's a taxidermist? " Asks the Landlord

" I stuff animals" Replies the bloke


The Landlord shouts over to the customers sat at the tables
" It's ok lads , he's one of us "
 

warrington63

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A bloke gets shipwrecked on a desert island along with a dog and a sheep,

After a few months he starts feeling frisky ( no that's not the dogs name ) .
And started eying the sheep up thinking it looked ok.

So he sidles up to the sheep and starts stroking the wool around its head and along its back, The sheep is stood there as he is doing this,

So he works his way closer to the end of the sheep, feeling extremely frisky ,when he hears a low deep growl and the dog is at the side of him baring it's teeth.

So the bloke moves away from the sheep and the dog goes back to lazing under a palm tree,

This goes on each time the bloke goes near the sheep, the bloke moves away every time and the dog goes back under the palm tree.

After 12 months, the bloke is at his wits end on how can he get to the sheep, when from the sea comes a stunning blonde ,clothes stuck to her showing off her shapely figure,

She tells the bloke her boat capsized and she had to swim for it.

He tells her he has been on the island with only a dog and a sheep for company and he is feeling really frustrated and frisky.

The blonde thinks "poor bloke, he looks ok as well, and I haven't had much of a love life recently"

She says to the bloke
"Is there anything I can do, and I mean Anything" with a glint in her eye.

The bloke says "Anything?"

The blonde replies
" Oh yes I mean anything" this time in a sexy voice.

The blokes eyes light up, he can't believe his luck, it must be fate that her boat capsized and she is on the island with him and will do anything.

He goes up to her and says

" Would you take the dog for a walk around the island "
 
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160642fishing

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A girl visits her doctor and tells him she has terrible discharge."Ok, take your knickers off and lets check it out" he says. She drops her knickers and he has a feel around. He says "how does that feel?" She says "bloody wonderful but the discharge is from my ear".
 

Rich51

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3 pregnant squaws gave birth while on different animal skins, the squaw on the bear skin gave birth to a boy,the squaw on the wolf skin gave birth to a boy also and the squaw on the hippo skin gave birth to twins,both boys.
This proves that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
 
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