Joke of the day.

[Godber]

Two dwarfs go into a bar. pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that from the next room he hears cries of "ONE TWO THREE UUUUUH" all night long!
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first dwarf "So how did it go?" The first dwarf whispers back "It was so embarrassing, no matter what I did I just couldn't get a hard on." The second dwarf shook his head and replied "You think that's embarrassing. . . I couldn't even get on the bed!"

 

[smiffy]

For my keep fit exercise today I’m going for a cross between a lunge and a crunch………
It‘s called lunch.

 

[Trogg]

A woman had a dog which was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while they were away on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart:

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erect!on and he will be able to withdraw."

"Oh, ok , do you think that will work?" She asked with suspicion.


"It just ****ing worked on me." said the vet.

 

[Dave]

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don't you have a girlfriend?" She asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that." She said. "Ok then, I'll have a white wine please."
One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?
He said, "My wife found out."

 

[Trogg]

Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children.
Then Ted died of heart disease. She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.

Mary finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied,.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I think he means her legs,"

 

[warrington63]

Chelsea have appealed over Maguire's red card with Watford.

They want him to play against them.

 

[Wey Back]

Jordan and Peter are getting it together in the jungle, when she hears some music, "is that Johnny Rotten" she says, to which Peter replies, "I hope not, its the only one I've got".

 

[Dogbert]

I noticed some charity collectors in town today, collecting for Parkinsons UK. They were shaking their boxes, which I thought was a bit insensitive.

 

[Arry]

A truism with which it is difficult to disagree:-

It is only when a mosquito lands on ones testicle that one contemplates a non violent solution...........................

 

[peterb]

It was his wife's birthday so he asked her what she would like as a present, she said there was something she wanted but was a bit embarrassed about it .
"Well what is it " he said .
"I'd like a new vibrating dildo" she said .
" No problem " he said .
So off they went to the local sex shop . When they got there they told the assistant what they needed and he showed the lady a selection , and told her to take them into the booth and try them out .
After a while he asked her if she had found anything she liked .
"Well they're all OK but the one I really like was the stainless steel one I found under the counter but I couldn't find the on/off switch " she said .
"Madam " he said " that's my thermos flask "

 

[muggins]

SO I CALLED THE VETS THIS MORNING...
Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."
Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"
Me: "He's holding his head to one side."
Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"
Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

 

[warrington63]

My wife said I have Alcoholic Constipation


I can't pass a Pub

 

[Len Wade]

Why do bees stay in the hive during winter?


Swarm.

 

[Godber]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a
few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements
and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!'
We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length.

 

[Rich51]

Not many people know that Gene Pitney died exactly 1 day before his new electric car was being delivered,
He was only 24 hours from Tesla

 

[rudd]

Mrs Rudd was woken up this morning by load noises coming from the broom cupboard.

She opened the cupboard door to find myself inside fully dressed in a sailors oufit with a nautical map in one hand and a sextant in the other.

What the &£%£&£& are you doing Kev?

'I think I've lost the plot' I replied!

 

[Godber]

I've just turned down a job offer where l'd be paid in vegetables, the celery was unacceptable.

 

[Godber]

The inventor of the snooze button has passed away...

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 10:00am, 10:09am, 10:18am, 10:27am and 10:36am!

 

[Godber]

Just bumped into my mate Dave who only has one arm.

"Alright Dave, where you going" l asked.

"l'm off to change a light bulb" he replied.

"thats going to be a bit awkward isn't it mate" l said laughing.

"No! I still have the receipt you horrible c**t" he replied!!!

 

[Rich51]

The Strictly come Dancing finals have been postponed it seems….due to snow, snow, thick, thick snow