Joke of the day.

smiffy

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Its at the point where I don’t know if there’s some repeat jokes, but anyway.

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
 

CarpCatcher86

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I went to see my grandad in the old folks home, I asked him if they were looking after him okay, he said yes h has his cocoa at night with his viagra tablet and he's out like a light... I was a bit concerned about the viagra as he's 90...so I asked the matron... the matron said yes thats right we give it to them to stop them rolling out of bed
It also stops you pissing on your slippers.
 

RedhillPhil

Computers verified, riots quelled, wars started.
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I went into a pet shop to buy a budgerigar. I suggested to the salesman that I'd pay him the going rate for my last Christmas turkey. He agreed.
"How much" he asked.
"Ninety pence a pound, weigh him".

She was a beautiful mermaid. What a body.
Thirty six, twenty two, eighty pence a pound.
 

CarpCatcher86

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I seem to be missing a post here, can anyone elaborate?
None of the words I used in my post were censored so where is the problem and why has my post been deleted?
 

Trogg

the bouncer
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BANKING CRISIS -

A WORD OF CAUTION!!!!!!


If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ..... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

Before you know it, these two will merge and the whole country will be full of bloody wonkers
 

Dave

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I seem to be missing a post here, can anyone elaborate?
None of the words I used in my post were censored so where is the problem and why has my post been deleted?
It was inappropriate

Try reading the rules then you would not need to ask the question:

 

TrickyD

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I went to see my doctor after a long delay. He asked the problem and I told him it was a problem with my pooh (polite word for sh1te). "Any pain, and are you regular?" he asked. No pain I said, and regular as clockwork, 7am every day. "So what is the problem?" he said. I don't get up until 8am I replied.
 

Rich51

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Jun 9, 2010
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I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town earlier
"Fancy a coffee " I said
"Sounds good "
"Starbucks "
"No"
"Costa "
"No"
I think she was holding out for a nero
 

Godber

All gone floppy.
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Two Men were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the bushes, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first...

They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about...

Just then an old farmer appeared. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box."
 

Gaz9243

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Bob was driving along, and suddenly ran out of fuel, just as he did, a bee flew in through the open window. “Out of fuel?” The bee asks, “yes” replied Bob. “Give me 5 minutes” says the bee.
5 minutes later the bee returns, with the whole hive following, and they all fly into the fuel tank. A couple of minutes later they all emerge out. “Try it now” a little voice shouts, so Bob tries it, and it starts. “How did you do that?” Enquiries Bob

BP came the reply
 

160642fishing

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Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the
world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to
join him for a weekend in Blackpool.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did There she stood nude,
except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit..
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, *"I want to offer my deepest condolences"
 
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