Joke of the day.

tysontim

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Bloke knocked my door the other day and when I answered he said he was from Littlewoods.

My eyes lit up and I said so how much have i won on the Football Coupon.

He replied nothing,

Nothing I said so why come bothering me

He replied, because we have just caught you Wife Shop Lifting.
 

ukzero1

Growing old disgracefully.
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Did you know that only 1101001 people know binary? (think about it). :giggle:
 

tysontim

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What do you call a cheap circumcision A rip-off

What did the leper say to the Prostitute. Keep the tip

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, , I wish I had a Torch. The woman says, Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minute.
 

Alantherose

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Police in Leeds are investigating a new drugs crisis. Reports claim that clubbers are ingesting ecstasy by grinding it down to powder before rubbing it around the inside of their mouths just above their teeth.

West Yorkshire police have described the new craze as E by gum.
 

Arry

Aitch, Cantankerous old gimmer with "Views"
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Did you hear about the prostitute who left the leper colony because business was dropping off
 

warrington63

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A girl goes to the tattoo parlour and asks for a butterfly to be tattooed on each bum cheek.
The tattooist says "Sorry,I can't do " Butterflys" but I can do "Bees"
So the girl says "Ok that will fine ,I will have one of those on each bum cheek"
She gets home later and says to her boyfriend " I have a surprise for you"
She turns her back to him, drops her knickers and bends over.
The boyfriend looks at her bum cheeks and says

" Who is BoB " ?
 

The Landlord

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Woman's having a bath when she gets her toe stuck in the tap. She shouts her husband for help but no amount of tugging can free her toe. Her husband decides to call a plumber but she says "He can't see me like this! Put some soap suds in the bath to cover me up". They do that but her hairy muff is still showing above the suds. The only thing her husband can find to cover it, is a bowler hat.
The plumber arrives, takes a look & says "I can get your toe out of the tap but there's nothing down for Acker Bilk"
 

160642fishing

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What do you call a cheap circumcision A rip-off

What did the leper say to the Prostitute. Keep the tip

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, , I wish I had a Torch. The woman says, Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minute.
You've obviously found an old joke book :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 

160642fishing

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Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s**t in her pants."
 

Arry

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In other news, viewers have requested the HD option be removed from the programme "Loose Women".....
 

Rich51

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I've been having a go at varnishing old furniture without much success,
But it wasn't for the lacquer trying......
 
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