Joke of the day.

Rich51

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I was suddenly sacked from my job as an interrogator for MI5...
I didn't ask why
 

Peter

'Mugger'
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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes more difficult for them to maintain the same standard of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. My name is George, let me relate how I handled the situation with my over-sensitive wife Mildred. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Mildred to take on an extra job to generate the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started the job I began to notice how she was showing her age. I now get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest for half an hour before making dinner. I don't shout at her, I just tell her to take her time and wake me up when dinner is on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub, so eating out again is unacceptable; I'm ready for home cooking when I get in.

She used to do the dishes when we finished eating, but now she leaves them lying around for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her every few minutes that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this as she usually washes them before bedtime.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example she complains that she has not enough time in her lunch hour to do all the shopping. I smile, and suggest that she spreads the shopping over 2 or 3 days, and that it wouldn't do her any harm to skip lunch completely once in a while. Tact is one of my strong points.
I know I look like a saint in the way I support Mildred. Showing this much consideration is not easy. Many men will find it difficult - some will find it impossible. However, if you show a little more tact and diplomacy towards your ageing wife as a result of reading this, I will consider writing it was well worthwhile.

EDITORS NOTE:
George died last week, he was found with a 24 inch Stanley screwdriver stuck up his arse with only 2 inches protruding. His wife Mildred was arrested, but an all female jury accepted her defence that he had accidentally sat on it.
 

Trogg

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest: “Forgive me father for I have sinned”. “What have you done?” asked the priest. “A few weeks ago I went to the library.

I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down.
It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”.

The man stopped talking but kept weeping. “Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad, You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.

“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer.

Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait.

One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried. “Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.

“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day.

As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.

“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest. “So what do you think i should do father?” the man asked.

“Well” answered the priest,
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I think you should **** off before it starts raining!”
 

TrickyD

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I ran into an old friend from school today who immediately starting bragging about his wonderful life.

The he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”

He said, “Why? is she good looking?”

I said, “No, she’s a optician.”
 

160642fishing

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he police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
 

Silver fan 82

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he police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Very good! 😂
 

Dave

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A bloke walks into a brothel and says, "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies, "£50".
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says,
She says, "An Arsenal football shirt and a season ticket!"
 

Sportsman

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A vicar and a bishop are on a train. The bishop is doing a crossword and he looks up and says to the vicar

"I am having a problem with this word. The clue is "essentially feminine" it's four letters, the last three letters are U-N-T"

The vicar thinks for a moment and says " I think that would be AUNT"

The bishops says "ah yes, of course. Errr, do you have a rubber?"
 
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