Oh no ,
Ive been asked to be my brothers best man, they have high expectations of me performing a funny great speech.!!
Help. Has anyone had any experience, and what are some good open liners? Look forward to your replys. Mal (MrC)
I was a best man last year, my opening line was "before I start I just want to get one thing straight" I then adjusted my crotch!! Broke the ice and got lots of laughs.
This was my speech, hope it gives you a few pointers 
Good afternoon everybody, I hope your all having a great day and enjoying yourselves, I was until about 30 seconds ago!
First of all, on behalf of John and Katherine, I would like to thank you all for coming along to help celebrate this special day. I imagine that you would all agree that the lovely service this afternoon was quite a moving experience. So much so, even the wedding cake was in tierstiers!
When I agreed to be Johns best man, I was touched and honoured that he
wanted me for such an important job on such an auspicious occasion. I also
believe that, deep down, he knew the other 10 people he asked would say no.
Id just like to say that Ive been really nervous and absolutely dreading doing this speech,
In fact, this is about the 5th time today that Ive got up off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
I was chatting to the priest just before the service when we were waiting for Katherine I asked him of his thoughts about sex before marriage.... He said he had no problems
whatsoever, provided it didn't hold up the ceremony.
Anyway, a little bit of what I know about John.
I have known John for far too long, probably about 12 years and we have been good buddies throughout. We have spent many memorable hours together playing out on a night when we were still at school and fishing at weekends. I will never forget the time that I cast over Johns line and started literally winding him in, I was pulling one way and John the other, eventually the lines broke and for the rest of the day John seriously thought he had lost a monster.
We have experienced great times and some not so great.
Some of the great times have included turning 17 and getting our first cars and travelling all over the country. Johns car was a pale brown mark 1 fiesta with dark brown vinyl seats, a real babe magnet, or at least John used to think it was! We once had to sleep in the Fiesta when we lost our caravan in Flamborough, me, john, lots of luggage and the family dog sandy!
I can recall the time we went to Tenerife, John managed to get food poisoning from a dodgy kebab after only being there a couple of days. John decided to see a foreign doctor who immediately admitted John to hospital. John spent most of his time abroad on the hospital ward. This for most people would be very upsetting but John was actually loving it, he had satellite television, constant care from good looking nurses in short skirts, but most of all John enjoyed laying there working out how much money he was saving by being layed up in bed.
John was well known for being tight when he was younger. When we went for a night out, Christine, Johns mum, used to give him an emergency fiver to put in his back pocket, Usually by 2 oclock in the morning john had spent his all his money including the emergency fiver and ended up walking home and not telling his mother so now you know Christine!
For those that didnt attend, the stag night last month, I can tell you it was a very enjoyable occasion. Unfortunately, I cant say too much, because Johns solicitor has advised caution until the court case comes up next month. However, I have been advised by the RSPCA that the sheep will make a full recovery!
Only kidding! Theres no dirt to dish onto John Unfortunately! No being stripped naked and put on a train to AberdeenNewcastle was far enough!
Well the one thing John has told me not to do today is mention X girlfriends and make sure none of them turn up today, I dont think theres any chance of that happening thanks to last years foot and mouth outbreak!
I feel it is my duty to give John a couple of warnings as he enters into married life. Firstly,
I need to warn JOHN of scientists latest discovery, which reduces a womans sex drive by 90%.
Its called wedding cake.
Another thing I must warn John is that from today Katherine is going to change from the lovely slim young thing she is now, it is a fact that married women are always heavier than single women.
This is because single women come home, look at whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see whats in the bed and then go to the fridge.
And finally, a really important one, a husband's last words should always be 'OK you can buy it'.
I dont want to leave Katherine out of all this so I would just like to tell her that a man can be like a tiled floor, lay it right the first time and you can spend years walking all over it, so good look getting your driving lessons, 3 holidays to exotic locations each year and a lifetime of constant attention and pampering.
23 years ago Katherines mum was putting her to bed with a dummy and now shes brought it on herself to do it all over again, sorry John!
Finally, there are obviously a couple of very important people here today whom we all
have the utmost respect for and with whom we could not do without. At some
stage in the evening Im sure we will all be sharing with them our thoughts
from this special day and giving them our love and best wishes so I would
like to propose a toast to:
The bar Staff
No not really Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding for a toast to the bride and groom the new Mr & Mrs
Naisbitt John and Katherine everybody.
Lee Saville - Colmic Team Ossett
Individual 2002 World Club Champion, Zagreb - Croatia.
Individual 2002 Angling Times North East Region Winter League Champion.
2001 Embassy Division 1 National Team Champions.
quote:Well the one thing John has told me not to do today is mention X girlfriends and make sure none of them turn up today, I dont think theres any chance of that happening thanks to last years foot and mouth outbreak!
That speech was a cracker. Hitched.co.uk is great , got some good ideas already.
What about this for a joke?
"being a best man is a bit like sleeping with the queen, its a great honour but no-one wants to do it.!"
I may take some off your speech if thats ok?
I have just read the last posting and the earlier posts.I must have missed them before.When I was Best Man for my brother a couple of years ago, I used a very good book about public speaking by Bob Monkhouse.It had some great one liners I pinched & used to great effect (if I say so myself). However I wish I could have copied & used the speech as used by Lee,just changing names etc. Very funny, without offending too many people.
Hi Norm ,, the weddings on the 22March.. so ive got a couple of weeks to sort it out, Ive started it but just need to get it into some order.
I bet i will be dead nervous.!! Will let you know how i get on.
The stag party is this weekend in Blackpool 16 of us in total, so im looking forward to that. Mal.
Thanks Guys, It went very very well. They loved me.!! I was on a role you should of seen me, I didnt even feel abit nervous as I knew I was going to get some laughs from the start. Thanks everyone, especially Lee for his posting.. Mal. ps I got steaming drunk after.