I Found This Interesting Scientific Paper

Neil ofthe nene

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A Study Into the Various Species of Carpangler
Author: Ofnen, Nils, B.A. Md, Emeritus Professor of Knowall, University of Uppernen

Background

It was in 1987 that Professor Matt Changler first postulated the theory that the species known as Carpangler could be divided into two separate species in their own right. Until that time there were two bodies of opinion that held the species to just contain one variant, the Serious Carpangler and that the second, known as the Pishead Carpangler, was either just a localised mutation or another species altogether that mimicked the Serious Carpangler. The latter theory being that the Pishead was in fact a member of the Urban Chav family that had become semi-rural and adopted a defensive strategy of looking like the more intimidating real (Serious) Carpangler.

The team of researchers at the University of Uppernen have carried out extensive study of the Carpangler in its native habitat to establish the true link between the Pishead and Serious Carpangler. In carrying out this research the team discovered a new species that seems to have developed in the 20th century. This unusually recent mutation and establishment of a new and separate species thought to have been brought about due to habitat change. The new species will be discussed later and has been named the Commie Carpangler.

Identification and Habitat

Carpanglers are most easily recognised by their colouring and nesting habits.

Colouring in the Pishead and Serious breeds tends to be drab, even to the extent of seemingly camouflaged though this may not suit the chosen nesting site making them stand out from distance. The Commie Carpangler, by comparison, is garish to the point of its colouring being a display designed to intimidate rivals and identify membership of sub groups of the species.

The Commie Carpangler can be subdivided into several sub types hence we have the Guru that tends to display flashes of orange, the Maver where bright green is the obvious distinction and the Pi which displays a bright blue. The interesting thing is that each sub-species collects articles around its nesting site of its distinctive colour.

We have identified a fourth variation that follows no clear colour preference and collects articles from many sources. Current thinking is that this is a sub species of the Commie Carpangler and is regarded as somewhat inferior in the pack hierarchy. We have tentatively named the variation as the Avanti Carpangler after the celebrated explorer Avanti Cheapskate who first identified the Urban Chav. The Avanti Carpangler can easily be distinguished from its more colourful cousin by the observation of its use of a device called a Kloetspig (Africaans word meaning counting device) to keep track of prey.

The Avanti Carpangler may die out as a species due to its source of artefacts appearing to have become limited.

The Commie has also developed a thin protuberance of up to sixteen metres in length though at the present time the purpose of this adaptation, at this length, is not fully understood. It may be an adaptation as an alternative to the projectiles launched by other species as discussed later. Shorter versions of this protuberance have been observed in the Avanti Carpangler.

The tendency to collect articles of the species' primary colouring extends to the Pishead and Serious branches of the Carpangler family. Hence one will see these specimens sitting surrounded by artefacts of a similar drab or camouflaged appearance. Even the smallest objects collected are preferred in dull green and brown mottled colouration. The need for Pisheads and Serious Carpanglers to display this colouration and preference cannot be explained in terms of preventing their being seen by their quarry as they mainly hunt their intended targets at long distances. 75 to100 metres being a typical distance from the nest that they search for prey. The colouration may simply be a way of species norming, the adoption of common attributes to show membership of the species.

All three species prefer to nest beside a body of water. The Pishead and Serious seek out remote spots while the Commie can be found regularly nesting near car parks.

Each creates a complicated nest though the Commie is differentiated by having no permanent shelter and taking time to construct an elaborate framework upon which it perches solely during daylight hours. It also tends to attach several of its collected treasures to this framework.

The other two varieties erect a semi-permanent structure from a canvas-like material spread over a support frame in which they spend much of their time sleeping. This nest resembles the shell of a bivalve mollusc and this has led to it being referred to amongst researchers as a B.V..

The nests of the two species can be easily distinguished from each other. The Pishead will surround its shelter with discarded beer bottles, Red Bull or Monster Energy cans and crisp packets. It will often defecate nearby. The Serious Carpangler tends to be neat and tidy with storage locations for all of its acquisitions. Many of these will also be drab or camouflaged despite being invisible from outside the nest. In general the Serious Carpangler is clean in its daily habits by comparison.

The Pishead nest can often be smelt before it is seen with a pungent organic or vegetable odour being detectable from some distance. The smell has been described as burning weeds.

Behaviour

The Serious Carpangler tends to be a solitary individual while the Pishead can be seen in small groups. The Commie is gregarious and can be found in flocks of up to 100 or more individuals.

No obvious mating rituals have been observed and it is not known where Carpanglers go to find a mate. There appears to be no obvious distinction in colouring between male and female of the species other than the claws and lips of the female occasionally taking on a red hue.

One behaviour exhibited by all three species is the throwing of carefully prepared projectiles great distances. Often these projectiles land within a few metres of the far bank of the body of water on which they have created their nest. It is not understood why the nest is not constructed on the bank to where the projectiles are propelled. Further research into this behaviour is required.

While the nest of the Commie Carpangler is only constructed and used for less than a day, the night roost being undiscovered at this time, the Pishead and Serious species tend to use their nests for any length of time from twelve hours to several days before migrating to a new location.

The Pishead Carpangler can often be found stockpiling food and drink at a location known as a Tesco where supplies are plentiful though quality may be questionable. The Serious Carpangler prefers a source offering a better quality of supplies and this is known as a Waitrose. This means the Serious Carpangler may have to travel further to collect supplies but the quality would seem to be superior to that available at a Tesco making the effort worthwhile.

Both Pishead and Serious species appear to spend long hours asleep, waking only to the occasional alarm call. The Commie remains awake while on the nest.

Conclusion

We believe that the Pishead is indeed a separate species of Carpangler and not a mimicking sub species of Urban Chav. Further DNA testing, when samples can be obtained, should prove this conclusively.

While many dismiss the Carpangler as a relatively indolent and somnolent species we believe it is misunderstood. Worthy of further investigation and study due to its innovative and inventive nature. Its patience when pursuing prey is admirable. In particular the Serious Carpangler displays a tenacity unrivalled in its field.

Further Reading

Blunt Hooks: Are They Pointless by Sir E. L. Blanker

F1s The Easy Way by Dinah Might

Patisserie and the Art of F1 Fishing by C. Hefster

The Perch by S. I. T. Down

Chub: Unlocking The Mystery by Lochie Smith

Kloetpigs Through The Ages by Neil of the Nene
 

Dave Spence

MD virtual champion 2020. Golden Pie winner 2018.
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Love it Neil, it started my day with a chuckle, cheers 👍
 
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