How to cope

Dave Spence

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I am really struggling to cope with losing Ken last week, I am staying in his house on my own until I can go back to Ireland. I was hoping to spend more time with him than I actually got but I thank god that I did make it in time and managed the last 2 days with him. I put him to bed for his very last time and a lot of people have said that he was only hanging on to see me again. Please forgive me for being self indulgent but I woud like to share the statement, that I have written, to go at the end of the eulogy. It still has to be punctuated and tidied but, hopefully, you will get the gist. I would also like to thank all the forum members for their kind words, especially @tipitinmick for his support, during a very difficult time.

Ken, I cannot thank you enough for the fabulous childhood that you gave me. You were, not only my Father, but also my best mate, my mentor and my confidante. You always made me feel safe and I knew that with you by my side nothing could hurt me and to say I idolised you would be an understatement.

We were always off on fishing trips together or riding round the country on a succession of motorbikes looking for new fishing spots. I used to love it when you would say “c’mon Dave lets go for a bat round” we would then jump on the bike and set off in any direction the fancy took us, I cherish those memories to this day, it was even more special when we would stop at the pub on the way back and you would ask the landlord to put two bottles of shandy bass into a pint glass so it was like I was having a pint with you. I even used to make Vi turn the tops of my wellies down exactly the same as yours.

I remember you always used to swing me up on your shoulders when we were out walking and although I didn’t realise it at the time “I was riding on the shoulders of a giant” to misquote a famous saying.

Michelle made the statement “there is a Ken shaped hole in the world now; that can never be filled, how right she is.

People often say that we were like two peas in a pod in both looks and temperament, I really hope that is true because I can think of no finer compliment.

I will miss you more than you can ever imagine and I will change the habit of a lifetime and say

Thank you DAD.
 

SeanB

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Dusty eyes time again 😭.
Very moving and obviously heart felt words, it will be painful for a while, but cherish those memories, remember all the great times you had together and know that how you felt about him will have been echoed in how he felt about you.
Ken might not be with you physically but as long as his memory stays alive with you he will always be at your side.
Take care Dave.
 

The Landlord

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Don't apologise for being self-indulgent, Dave. It's good to talk.....especially amongst friends. Also - there's no hard & fast rule for grieving. Everybody is different & reacts differently.
I lost my dad when I was 25, he was only 58 & it knocked me for six when I found out he was dying. My mum died 6 years ago aged 89 & I coped with that completely differently. I was closer to my mum than my dad but I think maybe the fact she lived to a good age helped me. I sobbed buckets when I lost my dog 4 years ago though.
Like I said....everyone grieves differently. If you ever want a gab, feel free to message me & I'll happily give you my number. (No reversing the charges though! )
 

ukzero1

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I feel your pain Dave, I lost my dad during a difficult time. Apologies are not needed mate and there's always an ear or a shoulder at this house, just PM and I'll respond.
 

BTMS

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No apologies needed Dave. Such beautiful words. I wish you and your family all our love and support.

Brian and Lin
 

62tucker

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Words are spot on Dave. As a parent your job is to make your kids happy and have the best childhood possible and sounds like your dad succeeded in that 👍.
We played this at my dads funeral as was fitting for me and my brother as both have sons of our own. Other lyrics are available. Still fill up to this day if I hear it.
 

Scribe

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Dave you buggah you brought a tear to the eye of an ex rugby player, I' swear it's hayfever, though.

I hope that you can take some comfort in the knowledge that you have given your dad one of the greatest gifts a son can give, you made him proud of his boy and the man he had become.

I'll PM you.

Take care my friend.


Kevin
 

Arry

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I felt the same when I lost my Dad... the pain of loss eases in time, leaving only the love and warmth that they gave with you... Hold tight to those memories, cherish them and know that your Dad will always walk beside you...

If you need to talk, just drop me a pm Dave... take care mate
 

Peter

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Lovely words Dave, though they appear to have made my eyes sweat reading them.
Rest assured that Ken will always be with you, tucked away safely in a corner of your heart.
Take care fella.
 

Sportsman

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Lovely sentiments, made better because you obviously feel and mean every word. Not always the case at funerals.
Let go of the pain, but let the memories stay with you.
Very best wishes
Dave and Sue
 

Kev86

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I am truly sorry Dave to hear about your Dad, I have tried reading what you have posted but I am struggling to see, your Dad will always be with you mate.
 

JayD

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As others have said, no need for apologies for feelings of self indulgence, anyone would understand if you did have them at a time like this.
I lost my Dad when I was 10, and I admit that it had a big effect on my outlook on life, and relationships. I sometimes wish I'd have had longer to really get to know him, but then I think that the pain might have been worse with those extra years. The pain does lessen over time, but the memories, might dim slightly, but they are still there.

John.
 

Pedro2504

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I’ve not posted on the forum in quite a while as I think I’ve temporarily lost my fishing “mojo” but I feel I have to comment on your beautiful words that you plan to use for your Dads funeral, they are the words of a Son who truly loved and respected his Father and portray your feelings absolutely eloquently.
They need no tidying up in my opinion as they are from the heart of a Good and Sincere Man .
ATB
Pedro.
 

Dave Spence

MD virtual champion 2020. Golden Pie winner 2018.
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I’ve not posted on the forum in quite a while as I think I’ve temporarily lost my fishing “mojo” but I feel I have to comment on your beautiful words that you plan to use for your Dads funeral, they are the words of a Son who truly loved and respected his Father and portray your feelings absolutely eloquently.
They need no tidying up in my opinion as they are from the heart of a Good and Sincere Man .
ATB
Pedro.
Thanks mate that is really appreciated
 

OldTaff

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Hi Dave - I lost my dad when I was 29 and he was 59 having nursed him through cancer for 3 years - that was 24 years ago and there are very few days when I don’t think of him.

Grief is weird, grieving even more so - there is no right way to grieve, there is no set pattern or markers you can use to gauge how you are ‘coping’ or ‘dealing with it’ there is just time. Grief never fully goes away but it does lessen.

The important thing to remember about grief is that it is a measure of how much the person you are grieving over losing impacted upon you whilst they were alive. If they had done nothing you wouldn’t miss them.

You mourn the loss of Ken because - in your own words - you idolised him. He was an anchor in your life, a permanent fixed point you could rely on and hold fast to, now your memories will be that anchor rather than the physical man but they are no less powerful or steadfast.

Remember his life, remember your time together, lift a glass to him in celebration often and know that you are the man you are today because of every moment you spent both together and apart.

Never be hesitant to share how you feel because someone somewhere reading it or hearing it will have been there themselves and can be a light in the darkest of times to guide you through.

Keeping you in thoughts and prayers through this sad time - God bless mate.


Karl
 
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