The Compleat French Military History:
Saw this and it made me chuckle,it's not far wrong though.
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last moment by schizophrenic teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War - Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induce deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britain, its Empire & later the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
Joe  
Don't argue with an idiot they will only bring you down to there level and beat you on experience
The summer of 1940 was one of the most disastrous in French history. On May 10th the German invasion swept over the borders with a boldness and efficiency that flooded the Allied efforts to resist. The Anglo-French alliance, weakened by political wrangling and deep disputes over military strategy, was finally torn apart when the British government moved to evacuate its army at Dunkirk. The French people already viewed the British as an unreliable ally, and it was remarked that the Dunkirk escape was perhaps the first example so far seen of British military talent.
On June 10th the French government fled Paris to Bordeaux in southwest France. Four days later the German army staged a triumphant march through the streets of the French capital. With defeat an undisputed fact the French government moved to sue for peace. On the 16th of June Marshal Ptain, the hero of France's great WWI victory at Verdun, assumed power from the Prime Minister. He immediately announced his intention to sign an armistice, offering himself as a sacrifice for France. Six days later, in the same railcar used to sign the Versailles Treaty, Germany received the French surrender.