The spiders were playing the insects,at half time the spiders were winning seven nil,the insects brought on a centipede as a sub,it scored nine goals and the insects won,the captain of the spiders said to the insects captain "why did'nt you bring him on from the start",it takes him till half time to put his boots on"said the insects captain.
Olivander the Earwig went to play for the insects footie team and he scored 5 goals and he was complaining that none of the crowd were cheering his efforts... the manager said of course they were Olivander... didn't you hear the supporters singing Ear wig O Earwig O Earwig O...?
Rock Hudson dies, goes up to the Pearly Gates and St Peter comes over to let him know whether he can come in.
"Well, Mr Hudson, given the nature of your, er,, shall we say, proclivities and habits, we would normally have sent you straight downstairs, no question.
However, as your films have given so much pleasure to millions, this offsets these, er, other matters, to such an extent that we propose a special arrangement which we sometimes use (no publicity of course) whereby you can return to Earth as someone else and perhaps redeem yourself so that when the time comes we may let you enter these gates without hesitation. So, tell me, who would you prefer to be ?"
Hudson thinks for a few seconds and says
"I'm sorry ? "
"You know, Mike Hooper, LIverpool goalkeeper, understudy to Grobelaar"
"Yes, of course we know who he is, we are omniscient here after all. Its just that it seems such a strange choice, Can you tell me why ?"
"Easy. I'll have ten a*******s in front of me, twenty thousand p****s behind me and I'll never catch anything ! "