Betrayal - how to deal.

SH4D0W

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Guys,
Call me a puss@y or a mardie bum if you will but, I need to get this off of my chest and need some outside views on this awful situation.

About 5 years ago I was here posting up a very similar post and I am here once again.

So guys, last night it was a mad rush, the other half has Sciatica at the minute and had a flare up yesterday so I told her to get herself in bed and rest, she got drugged up, I made tea, got the kids and walked the dog, we shared some time watching TV then I went off back down to find something I had lost. I went up to bed and she was fast asleep with her phone in hand unlocked on a game, I have never been one for snooping and I did trust her entirely but something inside made me take her phone out of her hand and snoop bloody glad I did but really wish I didnt.

So I found a conversation with Work going back to June with her and an Ex colleague, the same colleague that last summer was accused of sending flirty messages with, the guys wife was ready to kill the two of them, my other half assured me it was mainly him sending rude messages and she was guilty of not telling him to stop and for not telling me, to this day she tells me nothing went on.

But, these messages, some in great detail confirm that the two of them had met up on several occasions, have had sex two or three times, they used to meet on their lunch break when they worked together (my other half changed jobs a few months back) but would still message saying they missed each other. They would plan to meet up but my other half would usually make an excuse to not go.

I Saw the word love many times and they even had a code word to know if the coast was clear. - i am told "Love is just easy to say, i do not love him, i dont even care about him"

Well I recorded all of these messages on a video on my phone, took her phone back up to her in bed and then put the light on and woke her up, clearly high as a kite on her meds I asked her outright, Do you love me yes, Do you want a life with me Yes, are you cheating on me NO. I asked her again to be honest, NO. So, I told her that I know about her and Work and that I have been on the phone to this guy and his wife and I know it all. She then had the largest eyes ever and decided to judder, I asked her to tell me everything and be honest, Are you cheating on me? NO but i have Cheated on you yes, its not happening now. She found it difficult and was also very shocked, I told her more and more things that I had read and she finally figured out I had seen her phone and what not. She claims that she does not know from when it started, claims that she realised her mistakes a few months back and that she wanted to put a stop to it - there was an evident withdrawal from my OH side to be fair.

I told her that I had the video on my phone and would use that against her if it ever came to it hindsight that was stupid of me! I also told her that I wanted it to show to the guys wife as proof but eventually I deleted it.

The way my OH and I got together was from a similar situation, my Ex and I were on the rocks going no where and in a dead end relationship, I connected wth my OH on facebook one day and we just hit it off! We had been through primary school and high school together even shared my first kiss with her when we were just 5 years old, we were boyfriend and girlfriend all those years back so had lots to talk about- we ended up getting to the same boat I caught her out with, we cheated on our partners hers was an 8 year long relationship with a few momnth old son mine was a 8 year old commitment with no kids and no ties. My Ex and I called it all off until one day she told me Im Pregnant well from that point it all changed and I immediately stopped contact with my current OH and put everything I had into the dead relationship. Needless to say it went to pot and just couldnt be repaired, she left me with our 6 month old daughter whilst she lived the party life and got with other people etc. So, I got back intouch with my OH and we just ended up starting where we left off, the lust and fun side of it all finally came to love and long story short she left her ex and eventually we got together, we was madly in love and I am still madly in love with her.

I sold my house, we bought one together, I am father to her son, her step mum to my daughter, even have our very own dog! Haha.

Things started to get tough for us when she was diagnosed with Depression, she was taking a lot out on me, the sex fizzled out and the intimacy of other kinds stopped and we began to bicker and argue more. Up until we agreed we need to get some help if we want to get over this, we both agreed this was right and so, we started with couples counselling, forgot... we are supposedly getting married in June 2018!!!!, we was on holiday last year and I did a surprise proposal, she was delighted to say yes. At that time we still had little US time, but again I blamed the depression and illness and my OH tells me that she wants me, she wants us and only me and she will get better (she has her own counselling for this). Anyway, from Late August early Sept we began our couples counselling and started to learn about our flaws and issues and have been making notable progress as a couple, things were looking up!

OH thought so too which is apparently why she realised she had to stop what she was doing etc.

My problem is this, I just dont know what to do. I am MADLY in love with her, we have commitments and kids and I plan my whole life out with her included in it. She has told me that she is sorry and should the table be turned she doesnt think she would be able to forgive me. Told me that it was a mistake and that it would never happen again but like I said to her, she has not only done this with me in the past but she also had cheated on her ex with another person too. Seems to be a trait? She has asked me to forgive her and wants to try and work it out BUT with more questions I ask her I then get from her Maybe we just call it a day you are never going to be able to move on, is It worth it? Look it's going to drive you mad. Let's call it a day coz it's driving us both mad but also things like Like I said I hate liars. I kept it from you which yeah is a lie in some short of way but I'm not lying now. Steve is nothing. It's I want to work things through with, I was seeing the future again with you

I WANT to give it a go and see if we can save us but is it going to kill me?

Thank you for reading to my BS that none of you really need.

What do you all think?
 
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Wise Owl

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*****ooooooooooooooooooooook me mate i bet that took some ****** to post on here, Jeeeeeeeeeeeez hats of to ya mate [:T] My advise would be to sit down and talk it through but only if YOU can come to terms with the fact it happened and another chance is the last one, thats if YOU want it to. Good Luck pal [:T]
 

SH4D0W

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Thank you Owl, that is very wise of you. I am just so confused, lost, angry, hurting like i cant describe...
 

Wise Owl

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I *****ked up a good few years ago mate, wont go into detail but we worked it out and are now stronger than ever. The thing is i had no reason to, talking it through and not mentioning it so as to open up old wounds is the best way forward. Hope it all comes good mate [:T]
 

CJROSCOW

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wise owl is the wise one. No right or wrong answer whatever is best for you both. It's out in th eopen to discuss now.

Good luck
 

Wise Owl

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PM me if ya want to talk mate [:T] then when we sorted it ya can put me a wedding invitation in the post [:T][;)]
 

Kev86

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That is really sound advice from Wise, I hope you sort things out mate.
kev
 

SH4D0W

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Thanks guys, sat in work clock watching, Other half telling me she thinks its best we have a night apart to clear our heads, i want to talk! or do you think it may be best to talk after a bit of space?
 

Wise Owl

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2 things that wont solve the problem are arguing and going on the beer feeling sorry for yer sen. 2 things that will start to solve the problem are agreeing whats best for both of you and the Kids and doing things together as a family and enjoying each others company Time as they say is a great healer [:T] The one thing our Gert did say was she would forgive me but it would take time to forget.
 
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Guy Incognito

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Wow, that was hard to read mate, Feel for you.

I made a stupid mistake years back, wife caught me texting another girl. We have worked it out but she is always suspicious when I get a text or am on my phone. We just keep working at it.

I wish you both all the best and pray things turn out for you pal.
 

dezzatheblue

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Thats a hard blow mate,
Im not going to try and give advice, its betwe you guys but I wish you all the best,
Keep your chin up and youll get through it.
 

muskrat

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My advice would be to go back to counselling. Both of you tell the counsellor the whole story and hope that between the three of you you can work out a way forward.

Change counsellor(s) if need be.

Asking advice on an internet forum, mates or not, is probably not the number one wisest choice.
 

muskrat

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Originally posted by Wise Owl

Think the brunt of it was to get it off his chest muski mate.

But you, of course, are our number one wisest owl!! [:D][:D][:D]
 

Wise Owl

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Originally posted by muskrat

Originally posted by Wise Owl

Think the brunt of it was to get it off his chest muski mate.

But you, of course, are our number one wisest owl!! [:D][:D][:D]


Stop worrying about this and get yersen fishing and drinking with yer lads [:W][:W][:W]
 
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Anglingman

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***** ? Mardie ? forget the macho clichets, this is real life...we are only human, male or female.

Am so sorry to hear this, always a very sad situation.

First of all its far too early to be giving up because you are asking, probably rightly, lots of questions and want answers. Arguing will only fuel a fire, honest talking will allow you to make a balanced decision.

Irrespective of what's gone on first step is asking yourself can you cope with forgiving ? If not call it quits otherwise you'll just prolong the pain. if you forgive and want to forgive, forgive fully. Easier said than done.....but you must be prepared to take that leap of faith.

She has to be 100% truthful, in fairness there seems to be an element of trying to put things behind her and work with you, this is a good sign so you can give some credence to her words when and if she says she wants it to work.

Decide if it is worth fighting for, both of you have to be committed and set your expectations. All to often we accept loyalty as a given but it is not always clear what the consequence of straying are.

If loyalty is key to you there can be no repeat, either you are loyal to each other and want to be together or the cycle will just keep repeating.

Pain hurts like hell, been there so tough to logically think clearly at the moment. Take your time with each other.

Avoid any talk if large amounts of alcohol are involved.

If you decide to go forward you cannot use it as a stick to beat her in future (unless she repeats).

nothing anyone says here really matters, only you and your OH can decide, anything else is just a point of view.

Don't feel judged by peers, make your own informed decision about how and who you want to share your life with all that matters is what each of you want either together or apart.

Unfortunately you may not have any say in it, relationships very rarely "breakeven"

Time is a great healer, this I know from experience, you really can recover form the depths of despair and are more resilient than you think.

Sorry to go on so long and may be way off mark but only expressing my thoughts and hopefully offering some support.Good luck whatever you decide and however it goes I hope you find some happiness going forward mate.
 

corbyclubman

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In my own circumstances and mindset, if this happened to me I would definitely leave my partner of 8 years (we have a seven year old son) I would also violently confront the bloke regardless who he was and if he would have me, out of pride for myself and for his disrespect to myself.

If this was the second time she has cheated on you, I would think very carefully if u are going to forgive her as I personally believe (bearing in mind I don't know her or your circumstances) she will more than likely be at it again one day. Based on above it sounds like you are way more committed than her, with her saying things like maybe u should call it a day. Also, given she has history, IMO she could be easily swayed given the opportunity even if she doesn't actively seek it.

I may be way off the mark in your circumstances and I know my comment isn't going green to ease your pain, I sincerely spare a thought for you as when your are deeply in love with someone, the heartache is immense when things go wrong for any reason.

I wish you all the best.
 

Phoenixicus

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Sh4dow been where you are mate and it's a terrible sickening feeling.
Everyone means well and will give you the advice they think is best but it never has any real baring on your circumstances as they don't know all the facts.

I have nothing but admiration for you for being able to write down how you feel and it takes a real man to be able to do that.
I dealt with my situation the wrong way and still pay the price for it sometimes now.

Only advice I will give is try the Samaritans - I did at my lowest point and they were absolutely brilliant.
You will speak to someone who has probably been at rock bottom themselves and will get nothing but sympathy and understanding from them.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do mate.
 
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rodring

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Been there sent the t shirt back . 36 years of marriage went up in smoke lied through her teeth told me it was all in my head.Convinced my sons I was having a breakdown telling them all sorts of how I beat her tried to rape her!!. Even told me she slept with my brother lies!!! Lost everything house 2 families my sons ,and my brothers and sisters. The beating thing was the worst I grew up with that and she new it .11 years old I ended up in hospital 2 broken ribs and a fractured skull given to me by my dad when I stood between him and my mum. That's the lie that hurt the most because it was designed to. Only you can make the decision buddy. People who get caught will promise you everything . Take a step back mate give yourself a chance see a councilor get it off your chest,it will help talking to a stranger you can be honest you might even surprise yourself. All the best my friend I know what you're going through ,but it does get better .
 

Ken the Pacman

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It is a bad place to be but only you in your own mind will know if what you have had is worth fighting for as a future.
Time heals but it never forgets so the pair of you need to come to terms with what has happened and put it behind you as best you can or make a clean break now.
I think you probably already know what you will do and are looking for confirmation rather than guidance,I could be wrong but I have seen the scenario before with friends.
 
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