Are You Mad

Status
Not open for further replies.

dave the fish

Regular member
Site Supporter
Joined
Mar 10, 2003
Messages
5,331
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.

When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he
now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell him the news, he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is that Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself in the bathroom with the belt of her robe. I am so sorry, but she's dead."

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself, I put her there to dry
 

Barrie44

' The Hulk '
Joined
Jun 20, 2003
Messages
2,456
You read my mind I was about to post that lol. the oldies are the best [:D]

Datafile4.asp

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
____________________________
Take me to Barries fishing photos.
 

Peter

'Mugger'
Staff member
Site Supporter
Joined
Sep 18, 2001
Messages
21,481
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.


The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."


When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."


"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.

And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie

asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every

country in the world," she said.


"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"


"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to make mad passionate love with your wife."


The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!"


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.


After about three hours of non-stop passion, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.


"NO KIDDING. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"[;)]


Peter.
Datafile3.asp

Make Friends,
Go Maggotdrowning.
 

Barrie44

' The Hulk '
Joined
Jun 20, 2003
Messages
2,456
I heard a diffrent version still funny [h2]lol[/h2] [:D]

Datafile4.asp

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
____________________________
Take me to Barries fishing photos.
 

Roppa

Regular member
Joined
Mar 9, 2003
Messages
516
Both very good. lol well done. Theres nothing as good as a chuckle after a hard day's work.
 

Apache

Regular member
Joined
Dec 11, 2002
Messages
1,611
LOL! [:D]

....................................
Tight Lines,

Datafile4.asp

Datafile4.asp

Heathlands Angling Club - http://www.heathlandsanglingclub.8m.comPinkieDrowner's Forum (Under 18's only) - http://www.maggotdrowning.com/younguns
 

Geoff P

The MOGerator
Staff member
Site Supporter
Joined
Dec 2, 2001
Messages
15,933
OOh look, Peter cracked a funny. Nice one matey.

Geoff
Datafile3.asp


True friends are like good books. You don't always use
them but you know where they are when you need them.

Fishing Venues UK
 

Peter

'Mugger'
Staff member
Site Supporter
Joined
Sep 18, 2001
Messages
21,481
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies

"But, madam, computers do not need curtains"....

And the blonde said...
















"Helloooo.... It's got Windows!"


Peter.
Datafile3.asp

Make Friends,
Go Maggotdrowning.
 

Peter

'Mugger'
Staff member
Site Supporter
Joined
Sep 18, 2001
Messages
21,481
Only in Texas......

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a
driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from
the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"


Peter.
Datafile3.asp

Make Friends,
Go Maggotdrowning.
 

Apache

Regular member
Joined
Dec 11, 2002
Messages
1,611
Another LOL! that one sounds good enought to be true!

....................................
Tight Lines,

Datafile4.asp

Datafile4.asp

Heathlands Angling Club - http://www.heathlandsanglingclub.8m.comPinkieDrowner's Forum (Under 18's only) - http://www.maggotdrowning.com/younguns
 

Geoff P

The MOGerator
Staff member
Site Supporter
Joined
Dec 2, 2001
Messages
15,933
Obviously Maria is telling Peter all the jokes[:p], cos believe me, Peter is never that funny. [:D][:D][8D][:p]

Geoff
Datafile3.asp


True friends are like good books. You don't always use
them but you know where they are when you need them.

Fishing Venues UK
 

Newt

'Lures Rule!!'
Joined
Jan 19, 2002
Messages
1,385
Diary of a Viagra Housewife

Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous..

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again I'll kill the b*****d.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f%$k himself and he did.

Day 16
The b*****d has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...OMG! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

Newt Vail, Concord, NC. USA
Datafile3.asp
 

Geoff P

The MOGerator
Staff member
Site Supporter
Joined
Dec 2, 2001
Messages
15,933
Brill

Geoff
Datafile3.asp


True friends are like good books. You don't always use
them but you know where they are when you need them.

Fishing Venues UK
 

anyexcuse

Regular member
Joined
Dec 23, 2002
Messages
415
I'vethe wife's just screwed up my prescription after reading that. I thought my evening cupper tasted of bromide(again).

Dave@Brynmill&DistrictAC
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top