A risque joke...

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Dave

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I might even have to moderate this myself:


A bloke is driving down a road and sees a woman in a field eating the grass. He stops and asks her why she's eating the grass to which she replies "Me asylum, me no money - starving hungry"

He takes pity on her and tells her to jump in to his car before proceeding on his way.

A mile or so later he sees another person this time eating the grass at the side of the road. He stops and asks the man what he is doing.
The man replies by rushing up to the car and grabing the arm of the woman before crying that he his her husband and also seeking asylum and eating the grass because he's hungry.

The bloke tells him to get into the car also

Another mile down the road they see three children in a field all eating the grass as though there's no tomorrow. The woman starts wailing, the man starts banging the car windows, and in harmony they shout out "My children, my children!"

The bloke then stops the car, opens the doors and throws the man and woman out "No way, no chance, how big a chuffing lawn do you think I have ?!"

[:D]
<edit> g'wan Dave admit it, its you isn't it? this happened on your way home from work didn't it [;)] I'll let it stay this time but don't try it again or i'll have to moderate it[:p]

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martin.

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nice one dave

tight lines.
martin.
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Apache

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LOL! :)

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Tight Lines
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Newt

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The driver was a lawyer then?

Newt Vail, Concord, NC. USA
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norm

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dave surely that joke has not took over a year to get from newcastle to leeds

never the less it was rubbish


just joking mate ---------nice one


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Beebs

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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job.My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
 

crusty

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A concerned crowd gathered around a young boy, lost in the aisles of Tesco. Eventually a security guard calms the lad and asks....."whats your Mum like?"
"Big ****s and vodka!" replies the boy.

crusty[:D]
 

Newt

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A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer.

Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.

He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"



Newt Vail, Concord, NC. USA
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ken age 63

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A deserter is being chased down a country lane by two MP;s the deserter comes too a cross road,standing on it is a nun,the deserter asks for help,the nun says hide under me skirt,when the MP;s have past the nun tells him he can come out its safe,he thanks the nun and says,he has a confetion, he says whilst i was under your skirt i touched your knickers,the nun said if you had gone abit higher you would have touched me knzzzckers ive been a deserter for fifteen years

ken neil
 

haydn.borthwick

09/05/02 - 28/01/07
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like yours Dave funny that.


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Beebs

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates
by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm
granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he says. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the
nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring
a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says....

"No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,900 men in 6 months"
 

Beebs

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A well-known Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When confronted, he said ---- "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral - I'm a gynaecologist."

At that point, the Proctologist fainted ...














A Proctologist is a bum doctor for those who didn't know.
 
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