Thread for Poor Jokes

PJG

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Nov 15, 2018
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#1
There is this young feller and he is all fed up because he hasn't got a girl. One evening he goes on his own into a restaurant, sits down and notices this ravishing blonde sitting alone at the next table. He is wondering how to get into conversation with her when suddenly she sneezes, her glass eye pops out, he catches it and hands it back to the girl. She pops her glass eye back in and says "oh thank you so much please will you join me at my table". The feller swaps to the ravashing blonde's table and they get on really well.

After their meal she says "I only live round the corner, would you like to come back to my place for some coffee", yes please the feller replies. They have their coffee and by now they are getting on really really well. She says "would you like to stay the night and share my bed with me", "yes please" the feller replies.

In the morning after a busy night she says to the feller "would you like me to cook you a full English breakfast", yes please" the feller replies.

After his full English breakfast the feller says "it's all been wonderful, you are absolutely stunning, why me, you could have any man!? The blonde replies "you just caught my eye" .....
 

muggins

paste man
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#2
Is there a trade description office for thread titles? lol:D

That titles better:ROFLMAO:
 

Scribe

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#4
What's a Jeep and a giraffe got in common ? A jeep's got hydraulics and a giraffe's got high b*******
 

Dave

Red Leader
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#5
Defence to police officer "a woman shot her husband because he walked on her freshly mopped floor?"


police officer "that is correct sir"


Defence "and yet it took you 20 minutes to arrest her, why?"


police officer "the floor was still wet"
 

PAB

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Nov 11, 2018
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#6
Police have warned the public not to by cheap Russian underwear from markets and car boot sales this winter.

Reports are warning that Chernobyl fallout.
 

fishingmad123

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#7
a mystery hole has appeared in a side wall of Buckingham palace................police are looking into it .
 

PJG

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Nov 15, 2018
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9
#8
There are two camels, father and son:

Son, how come we have this big lump on our backs?
Dad, it's obvious, it's so that when we are crossing the desert we won't get thirsty!

Son, how come we have long eye lashes?
Dad, it's so that when we crossing the desert and there is a sand storm we won't get sand in our eyes!

Son, dad - how come we have these big flat feet?
Dad, it's obvious, it's so that when we are crossing the desert we won't sink in the sand!

Son, dad, dad, dad, how come we have this big fluffy tuffty bit on the end of our tails?
Dad, you are really getting on my nerves now, it's so obvious, it's so that when we are crossing the desert we can swish our tails and scare off all those horrible sand flies!

Son, how come we are in London Zoo? .....
 

muggins

paste man
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#9
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
 

Arch

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#11
Our local charity shop has a 56" Sony OLED TV in it's window for a bargain price of £499.99 Only problem is, the sound is stuck on full blast.

How can anyone turn that down...........
 

nomorelongwalks

Mark Spitz
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#12
I went into my local butchers and noticed his assistant wasn't there.
I asked him where he was?? and he replied "i sacked him".
"why" i asked and he replied "i caught him with his D!ck in the bacon slicer"
"what did you do with the bacon slicer??"
The butcher replied " i sacked her as well"
 

muggins

paste man
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#13
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over £1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of £2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around £75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead
 

160642fishing

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#14
A bloke walks into a pub and says "triple brandy please",barman serves him and he downs it in one and then says "I shouldn't have had that with what I've got","why what have you got" said the barman "thirty five pence" said the bloke.
 

PJG

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Nov 15, 2018
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#17
A man goes to the doctors and says " it's awful, just too awful! I keep thinking that I'm a pair of curtains!! Doctor, "for goodness sake pull yourself together!!"
 

angel

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#19
A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examined the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please,” said the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour,” replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!" A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid,” Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," said the waiter,
"it just shows......
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lipped squid!"
 
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