Spanky's thread

spanky

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The digestive system of an elephant is so slow that when they eat a lot of apples the fruit ferments in their stomachs and the elephant actually becomes drunk.

I think they do it to forget.
 

spanky

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I'm knackered. I've just climbed 10 flights of stairs to get to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.

One of the other members had taken the lift.
 

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I put an appeal on Facebook recently asking for ice-cream topping ideas.

I've had hundreds and thousands so far.
 

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My wife had a right go at me for not being manly enough.

"Oooh!" I thought, "Get her."
 

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Saw a sign on the bus the other day. It said "Take the kids out for 1".

If you know of a cheaper hitman, let me know.
 

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Twitter - for all those who think not enough people are reading the drivel they post on facebook.
 

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Finger painting has become more popular than ever in nurseries and schools in Liverpool following local sponsorship.

The local police have found it's best to get fingerprints on record from a early age.
 

spanky

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My job in genetic engineering is quite well paid.

I made a monkey last week.
 

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My wife and I watched an interesting documentary about sloths last night.

Slow moving, dim witted, covered in hair filled with bacteria, and sleeping for most of the day, but that's just the wife.
 

spanky

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Why are pirates called pirates?

They just arrrrrgh
 

spanky

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Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog.

It was a shih tzu.
 

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Man: Doctor I've got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.

Dr: Bend over I'll have a look...mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.

Man: That's just the tip of the Iceberg
 

spanky

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I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia.

I fear the Wurst.
 

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For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife (Made To Scale).
 

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They say that cats are excellent climbers.

But mine died half way up Mount Everest.
 

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Next on BBC1, all New Apprentice.

16 candidates - 1 short term contract.

The search for Sir Alan's next most disgruntled employee, continues.
 

spanky

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I ordered some pills for my premature ejaculation a month ago.

Still haven't come.
 

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My son came in from school and said, "The teacher gave me a B for my Biology practical."

I said, "That's good, well done."

He said, "No it isn't. Everyone else got a frog to cut up."
 

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Embarrassingly, I have an injury in my right arm.

I'm not entirely sure how I did it, but I think I may have pulled something.
 

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My uncle would always say, "Pick a card. Any card".

He was the most impatient Clinton's employee ever.
 

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