Spanky's thread

spanky

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I just got back from Asda, and honestly I was very shocked they had no toilet paper at all. With hesitation, I headed to the customer service counter to ask if they had any. All I got was a firm "NO" and a look of disgust...

Walking back to the restroom with my pants around my ankles is something I never want to do again.
 

spanky

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The government have urged people on Merseyside to self-isolate and remain indoors for the next 14 days...

Nothing to do with Coronavirus, but just an attempt to reduce the crime rate.
 

spanky

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This stupid panic buying is ridiculous - I've just paid £15 for Oxo cubes!!

The stock market's gone crazy...
 

spanky

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My wife Ivy has been in isolation for over a week now...

She's climbing the walls.
 

spanky

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I was in a supermarket in Glasgow today and the food shortage situation has gotten so bad, people were actually buying fruit and veg.
 

mickthestick

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If you get an Email with the title Ding Dong , don't open it , it's Jehovah Witnesses working from home
 

spanky

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Single woman with hand sanitizer would like to meet a single man with toilet rolls for good clean fun.
 

spanky

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"Darling, fancy putting your nurses outfit on tonight?"

"We've run out of bread"
 

spanky

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I couldn't get any bread in the supermarket today so I went to the park and threw I.O.U's at the ducks.
 

spanky

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Unable to find toothpaste due to empty shelves, I decided to chew on my dog's toy bone instead...

Now my mouth is squeaky clean.
 

mickthestick

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My Teacher said I would never amount to anything , well did I prove him totally wrong , here I am lying on my Sofa saving the bloody World
 

mickthestick

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When I was young we were so poor that my Mother would send me around the neighbours with a Shirt button , to ask them if they could sew a Shirt on it
 

spanky

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They've run out of sausages in Germany so they're having to make new ones out of seabirds...

It's a tern for the wurst.
 

Blanks

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There still seems to be a lot of confusion about this new virus.
Most people don't know their SARS from their EBOLA.
 

spanky

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I'm having a quarantine party this weekend...

None of you are invited.
 

crackatoa

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth tubes up his nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and

pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,

very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

spanky

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Anyone wishing to show their appreciation for Amazon delivery drivers are asked to clap at their homes tomorrow anytime between 9am and 6pm.
 
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