Spanky's thread

spanky

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I'm really proud that I'm going out with a solicitor...

I got her number from a phone box.
 

spanky

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Two months and my wife's still in hospital...

Receiving liposuction.
 

mickthestick

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What have Prince Andrew , the BlackEyed Peas and Man United got in common ? All have been useless since Fergie left
 

spanky

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"Are we going into this pole dancing club?" asked my Welsh mate.

"No." I said. "That's a kebab shop."
 

spanky

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I got sacked from my job at B&Q for having a paint fight.

They are doing me for gloss misconduct.
 

62tucker

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BEST JOKE IVE HEARD IN AGES 😂😂😂😂😂...

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Marks and Spencer’s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Paddy unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Paddy sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Patrick
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
 

spanky

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For the sixth year running, I won first place in the national incredulity Championship...

I just can't believe it.
 

spanky

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If they gave out prizes for being lazy...

I probably wouldn't turn up to collect mine.
 

spanky

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My cross-eyed wife has just been diagnosed with depression...

I'm not surprised, she never looks forward to anything.
 

spanky

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My new girlfriend is from Scotland and she's very posh....

She only eats deep-fried Ferrero Rocher.
 

spanky

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I got the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
 

spanky

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Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever person...

He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin
 

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