Spanky's thread

[Stephen]

 

[spanky]

I have such a caring, generous, and thoughtful wife...

I came home early the other day; she’d bought me a new suit and carefully draped it over the chair in our bedroom.

 

[spanky]

Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts

 

[spanky]

Our gardener suffered a fatal heart attack while he was out trimming our hedge maze...

The paramedics didn't stand a chance.

 

[spanky]

I went to the doctor and I said "I think I have Swine Flu".

He ran some tests and concluded "It's okay, you have hind leg of pork after it has been cured by dry-salting or brining Flu and we'll soon have you cured".

 

[spanky]

I'm thinking of closing my piano manufacturing business because it's not paying the bills.

I only make a grand a month.

 

[mickthestick]

Wife said have you been drinking ,I said no I've been eating Frog's legs and what you can smell is the hops

 

[spanky]

I’m a recovering alcoholic...

By that, I mean I’m hungover.

 

[spanky]

My friends have set me up on a date tonight, they told me she's a paleoanthropologist and wrote her thesis on Pleistocene man.

I really want to make a good impression so I've been watching every episode of Morph I can find.

 

[spanky]

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house...

it was delicious.

 

[spanky]

Went for an interview as a bin man...

I don't have any experience but I'm sure I’ll can pick it up as I go along.

 

[spanky]

If you join the Hong Kong police, you're expected to show up at least 2 hours before your shift is due to start...

something to do with beating the crowds.

 

[mickthestick]

My Wife said take me out and make me feel young again , so I took her to the pub and left her outside with a bottle of pop and a packet of crisps

 

[spanky]

At school we used to bully the kid who had brittle bone disease...

Until one day, he just snapped.

 

[mickthestick]

Just been on the internet looking for the local orphanage but they haven't got a home page

 

[mickthestick]

Is the leaning Tower of Pisa a listed building

 

[crackatoa]

Do you think it's really confusing for Geordies that Aldi isn't open 24/7. ?

 

[spanky]

Just opened my new cattle ranch in Wales at a little place called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Unfortunately, none of the cattle survived the branding.

 

[spanky]

My doctor just told me I have a weak pelvic floor...

PMSL

 

[spanky]

I had an experimental surgery done where my dodgy ankle was replaced with a metal coil...

It's been a great success - now I have a real spring in my step.