Spanky's thread

spanky

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In a survival situation you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the bottle.
 

spanky

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My mate's wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open...

Last time something that big hit the earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.
 

spanky

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My wife told me that me taking everything she says so literally is turning her into a basket case...

Which is nice because then I'll have somewhere to keep my baskets.
 

spanky

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I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing components but, after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.
 

crackatoa

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I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"

He just blanked me the ignorant ****!
 

muggins

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Someone stole my glasses from work today. I'll find them...…...I have contacts.
 

crusty

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Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne this bath I think I'm dwowning.

Ian
 

spanky

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I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf.

Just Kuwait and sea.
 

warrington63

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My wife said she only married me because she thought i was brave.

I said "So did all my mates"
 

TrickyD

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My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
 

spanky

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I used to be a stool examiner for the NHS but I'd no enthusiasm for it.

I was just going through the motions.
 

spanky

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It's a little known fact that during the second world war as the German Enigma machine was being cracked, Alan Turing's sister, Kay, did a great job providing sandwiches, cocktail sausages, drinks and cakes.
 

spanky

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I divorced my wife because she kept breaking all the kitchen appliances.

Which just goes to show that washing machines live longer with cow gone.
 

spanky

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Bought a jar of molasses yesterday, which got me thinking...

What do they do with the rest of the animal?
 

mickthestick

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The self deprecation society are opening a club in my home town and I've put myself down already
 

spanky

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Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?

Could you be entitled to condensation?
 

crackatoa

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We have a Chinese drug addict who lives in our street.
Bumped into him this morning, while he was searching for something.
When I asked him what ? - he said - "Have you seen my cocaine"?
So I told him straight - not since he appeared in Zulu.
 

spanky

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My wife is great in bed - she doesn't snore or fart, doesn't hog the blankets, and best of all, she's quiet for eight hours.
 

Blanks

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My wife rang me on my mobile today and said, "Where the hell are you?"
"Can you remember that jewellery shop we looked in on Saturday?" I asked. "The one that had those earrings you really liked in the window."
"Yes," she said, in a much more cheerful tone.
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."
 

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