Spanky's thread

spanky

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A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday...
 

spanky

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Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer...
 

spanky

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My budgie got friendly with the dog a little time back...

I got some puppies going cheep if anyone's interested?
 

spanky

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I had an argument with a lollipop lady today.

She made me cross.
 

mickthestick

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Bloke in court says , Judge I want a divorce my Wife is out going from bar to bar every night till gone 12 , Judge says and what do you think she is up to on these jaunts .She looking for me your Honour
 

spanky

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I read in the news that fibre helps protect you against heart disease and bowel cancer, so I'm making a change.

But should I get 80mb or 200mb?
 

crackatoa

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"Go and have a look at the size of the s**t I’ve just done in the bathroom!” I said to my wife.

“No thanks,” she replied.

“Please, just one quick look,” I said, “You won’t believe it.”

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, “There’s nothing down there, you must’ve flushed it.”

I said, “It’s on the scales.”
 

spanky

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My wife just left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not even sure why I started carrying it.
 

crackatoa

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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own Clinic and puts a sign outside ;-

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American Lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the Clinic.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of Taste.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'

Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is Kerosene.'

Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of Taste is restored. Give me $20 dolla.'

The annoyed Lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my Memory. I cannot remember anything.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'

Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is Kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my Taste.'

Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20 dolla.'

The fuming Lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: 'My Eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'

Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100 dolla.'

Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100"...

Chinese: 'Congrats muddaf*cka, your Eyesight is restored. Give me another $20 dolla'
 

crackatoa

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Today, a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.

Long story short, the Mrs said no.
 

crackatoa

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A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!"
 

crackatoa

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"A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
"Dat ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
Helmut agrees
So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-Sprung Duck Technique."
 

spanky

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If I know one thing, it's that Solar power isn’t going to happen overnight.
 

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