Spanky's thread

spanky

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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
 

spanky

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My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

I guessed that makes him a seasoned veteran.
 

spanky

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I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.
 

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The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.
 

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For my birthday my mate dug a hole in my garden and filled it with water.

It's not want I wanted, but he meant well.
 

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One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.
 

spanky

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Is it just me or does anybody else find pressing F5 strangly refreshing?
 

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Quotes from Steve Wright (noted scientist):

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 

spanky

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My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.
 

spanky

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Maths problems, the only place where someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
 

spanky

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Apparently, 3.5 out of 7 people overcomplicate things.
 

spanky

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I had this great racing snail.

I took his shell off to reduce weight, but now he's just sluggish.
 

spanky

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SWMBO said we would have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I said, "it's fewer arguments".
 

spanky

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I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."

"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"

"She smells of elephant dung."
 
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spanky

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Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.

I won.
 

spanky

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As I walked through the front door, I could see that trouble was brewing.

My mother in law was making herself a cup of tea.
 

spanky

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Apparently the collective noun for three dyslexics is a riot.
 

spanky

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I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.

It's on its last legs now.
 

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Have you noticed that the temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is never more than a whim away.
 

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