Name:

fishkinguk

Date:

23 September 2002

Joke

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him £300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for £300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Name:

Brian Barnes(FishKingUK)

Date:

22 September 2002

Joke

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"

Name:

Brian Barnes

Date:

20 September 2002

Joke

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Name:

Big Brian

Date:

19 September 2002

Joke

WATSON & HOLMES GO FISHING Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decided to take a break from their crime fighting activities in order to partake in their little known 2nd love, a spot of carp fishing. During the 3rd night of their session Holmes awoke with a start, concerned about the sight in front of him he called to Watson. "Watson my man, are you awake?" "Er yes, I am now Holmes, what is it?" came the sleepy reply. "Tell me Watson, as you lie there what do you see?" enquired Holmes. "Why Holmes I see a beautiful starlit summer nights Sky" "Hmmm. And you can deduce what from that?" challenged Holmes Keen to impress his mentor Watson thought for a moment & then replied. "Well Holmes, Astronomically speaking I can see probably millions of stars, the light from which may have started its journey many years ago. Theologically, I marvel at Gods creation & wonder whether life is indeed looking back at us at this very moment. If I look carefully I can see the star sign for Cancer the Crab & if memory serves me correct the Times Horoscope for Cancer today advised that now is a good time for Cancerians to think about a career change Meteorologically speaking however, I can deduce that the clear sky indicates high pressure which bodes well for tomorrows weather but not so good for the fishing tonight." "Very good Watson" came the reply, "I too can see this splendid view, but I fear you have missed the most fundamental point" "And what's that enquired a puzzled Watson" "Watson my man, some cad has nicked our bivvies!"

Name:

markrobson2000@hotmail.com

Date:

18 September 2002

Joke

Whats postman pats name when he is retired? PAT ha ha ha

Name:

Bubbles

Date:

06 September 2002

Joke

where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD collection ? in iraq.

Name:

Tam/fae/Scotland

Date:

30 August 2002

Joke

What do u call a fish that travels at 60mph------> a motorpike

Name:

tom adams

Date:

25 August 2002

Joke

why did the hedgehog cross the road? to join his flat mate

Name:

bruto's(farlows)

Date:

24 August 2002

Joke

Man walks into a libary and said to the man behind the desk "got any jokes on how to comitsueiside" the man said "yer over the top shelf" "thank you the amn said to minutes later he was back and he said "there is no books over there" the amn said NO THEY NEVER BRING THEM BACK

Name:

jamie king. bondin

Date:

23 August 2002

Joke

what do you call a catfish with a broken teath. go to the dentist

Name:

Happyeater

Date:

22 August 2002

Joke

Two men out on a lake fishing, it's a fine Saturday afternoon. Both have known one another for many years, so not much conversation is forthcoming. Suddenly, one turns to the other and says,'I see Sunderland's lost again!'. His mate was amazed, 'We're out here in the middle of no where, alone, not a person or radio anywhere near, how do you know that?'. 'Easy', said his mate, it's ten to five'.

Name:

sam.thornton@ntlworld.com

Date:

21 August 2002

Joke

what do you get if you cross a road with a pane of glass and a vampire? a pane in the neck

Name:

michael mick madmichael200012@aol.com

Date:

19 August 2002

Joke

a boy was being very naughty and said to him go to the back of the line he replied there is someone all ready there

Name:

scoobs11

Date:

19 August 2002

Joke

fergie, Venger and venables all died tragiclly one day. As they arrive at the gates of heaven, St Peter is there to welcome them...St peter said to them" You can only go through these gates if you get a question right...So venables steps up and St peter asks him..."What famous ship was hit by an IceBurg??? Venables replies, "The Tiitanic!" "Very good" says St peter, and terry goes through. Then comes venger,and St peter asks "how many people died?" Venger thought quickly and said....About 1,500? "very good" said St peter, and venger went through....Up stepped Fergie. And St peter smiled at him and Said, "Name them!"

Name:

TIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMYYY!!!!!!!

Date:

14 August 2002

Joke

what do you do when you see a ghost carp you don't see it cos its invisiable

Name:

jack pike & pike

Date:

11 August 2002

Joke

what did the bream say to the pike noting he swam away

Name:

barnesy

Date:

10 August 2002

Joke

A big texan walks into a local Irish pub and orders a drink at the bar, He promptly polishes it off and looking round the bar he says to the locals "i will pay £250 to who-ever can drink ten pints of guiness back to back" a couple of men look down not wanting to take on the bet but one man gets up and walks out. 30 minutes later the man comes back and says to the texan "is your bet still good?" "why sure it is" and he orders ten pints of guiness for the irishman. The irishman downs the ten pints and the texan takes £250 from his wallet. as he hands over the money he asks the irishman where he disappeared to for 30 minutes the irishman replies" i went to the pub down the road to see if i could do it"!!!!!!!!

Name:

matthew mckie

Date:

26 July 2002

Joke

Q/ what do you call a fish with a pirates hat , a eye pach and a huck a/ capton huck 26 july 20002

Name:

fatherbohab

Date:

26 July 2002

Joke

One fisherman asked his buddy "ya got worms","Ya" he replied "but i am going fishing anyway."

Name:

scoobs11

Date:

24 July 2002

Joke

is newt really too good to be true ? trogg , newt and scoob were stood by a lake and saw a massive carp jump in the far margin. they decide to try and catch it but it was a 2 mile walk round. "no problem" say's newt and walks across the surface!!. scoob decides to do the same and is soon standing next to newt. trogg shrugs his shoulders and steps out onto the water sinks to bottom and drowns! scoob turns to newt and says "we should have told him about the stepping stones" newt replies "what stepping stones"!!!!!

Name:

Fishingmad1

Date:

23 July 2002

Joke

Two fish swiming doun a river and one of the fish says blubalub And the other one lookes at him and says if that stinks I'll kill you!

Name:

daz bally

Date:

06 July 2002

Joke

where do fish get there money from a river bank

Name:

doggy boyz

Date:

29 June 2002

Joke

Two birds were sitting on a PERCH one says to the other....... "Can you smell fish?"

Name:

bubbles

Date:

27 June 2002

Joke

what do you call a deer that can write with both hooves ? bambi dextrous

Name:

Sorry about the terrible joke!

Date:

21 June 2002

Joke

A tackle jackal broke into the shed of another unfortunate angler. The 6 foot, 15 stone brute was selecting which poles, rods etc to take when he was disturbed by a murmur of, "Jesus and God can see you!" The thief carried on regardless, filling his sack with various oddments when, again, "Jesus and God can see you!" came from the corner of the shed. The thief fumbled around for a light switch and upon doing so, noticed a parrot in the corner of the room. He was relieved that he had found the source of the mumbling and decided to test the parrot out. "Oh yeah", the thief uttered, "and what are they going to about it?" At that instant, the thief noticed a name tag on the bird's cage, saying God. The parrot cried, "God isn't going to do anything but, if I were you, I'd watch out for Jesus the rottweiler right behind you!"

Name:

tiznat@ntlworld.com

Date:

14 June 2002

Joke

Two blokes were fishing the local canal when a hearse crosses the bridge next to them.With that one of the men stands up and holds his hat to his chest.His mate turns to him and says "thats very respectful of you Charlie." Charlie turns to him and replies"Well we were married for 20 years Frank."

Name:

Mark Williams, Marky

Date:

12 June 2002

Joke

Paddy and Riley were walking along, when they spotted two men on a bridge carrying a bag of large salmon. Paddy asked "to be sure, how did u get those salmon?" One of the men replied "its easy, I hang dougal over the side by his wellies and when he sees one swimming by he grabs it he shouts and I pull him up"; "wow" said Paddy "lets try it Riley" so the two men went up to the next bridge and Paddy hung Riley over the side. 10 minutes had passed and Paddy shouted "you got anything yet?" "no" was the reply, another 10 minutes passed "you got anything yet? again the reply was no. 2 minutes later Riley screamed "pull me up, pull me up" "have you got one?" asked Paddy, "No, theres a train coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Name:

bubbles

Date:

05 June 2002

Joke

how meny fish can you fit in to a pair of tights ? 2 eels,2 soles,and a smelly place.

Name:

Jason

Date:

04 June 2002

Joke

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Environment Agency Bailiff! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his heels came the Environment Agency Bailiff. After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the bailiff finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer rod license, boy!" the bailiff gasped. With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the bailiff a valid rod license. "Well, son," said the Environment Agency Bailiff. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

Name:

gazafish

Date:

17 May 2002

Joke

A young lad was out walking with his dad, when he saw a dead bird, it was on its back with its feet pointing skywards. On asking why it was in this position, dad said it was so God could reach down and pick it up. The next day, the youngster was waiting for dad outside rather impatiently, when his dad got home the lad said "my mum nearly died this morning" shocked dad asked him to explain." Well after you left for work, I saw mum on the kitchen table and she was shouting oh God i,m coming, and if the milkman did,nt hold her down, i,m sure she,d have gone"

Name:

crusty

Date:

05 May 2002

Joke

How do you kill a circus? . . Go for the juggler!!!

Name:

Fishingmad1

Date:

03 May 2002

Joke

What do fish do when they get conscious about themselves? They get on the SCALES or look in the MIRROR

Name:

crusty

Date:

28 April 2002

Joke

Little boy comes home one day with a sofa on his back and a chair under each arm, " a bloke give me um Dad" he says. His Dad whacks him around the ear,"how many times have I told you about accepting suites off strangers?"

Name:

crusty

Date:

28 April 2002

Joke

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "any idea how to drive this thing?" Same two fish in a pond, one turns to the other and says "see I knew you couldnt drive."

Name:

Ginger

Date:

26 April 2002

Joke

What did one fish say to another when they were swimmin around their tank? How do you drive this thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Name:

Little Willie

Date:

17 April 2002

Joke

Why do penguins hold fish in their beaks.........cos they don't have any pockets.

Name:

Ginger

Date:

09 April 2002

Joke

Q. What did the Black fish say to the White fish? A. I'm a Sole Fish

Name:

Ginger

Date:

09 April 2002

Joke

Q. What is the fastest fish in the river? A. A Motor Pike

Name:

sean.t.lee@ntlworld.com

Date:

06 April 2002

Joke

Not a Joke BUT a good TEXT message :-- Police have found a body in the canal, no arms , no eyes , no feet and a small penis....TEXT me back, let me know your still alive...!

Name:

TIMMY FROM THE CUSE

Date:

26 March 2002

Joke

a young woman went to the local tackle shop hoping to get a good rod and reel setup, she looked around and found what she thought would be good for her, at the same time a salesman approached her and offered a helping hand. He first explained to her that he was blind, and could only tell what he was looking at by dropping it on the table. so,the woman did and the salesman replied instantly, thats a great rod reel combo and only 29.99 this week only! she was sold on the combo and wanted to buy it. on the way to the counter the woman looked around noticing that alot of others were in the store,r emembering that the clerk was blind she figured if she farted he woudn't know if it was her our the other customers. so,she farted and continued on to the counter. the man rang up the gear and said 44.99,confused the woman said i thought it was only 29.99? yes, said the salesman it is but, its 10.00 for the duck call and 5.00 for the catfish bait.

Name:

Turner the worm

Date:

24 March 2002

Joke

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad and asked him what he was doing? Dad answered, playing cards. Little Johnny asked who his partner was. Your mom replied dad. He then passed by his sisters room and noticed the covers bouncing. He called to her and asked her what she was doing? Playing cards, was the reply. Whose your partner, he asked. My boyfriend, came the reply. A little while later, dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed little johnny's room he noticed the covers bouncing. What are you doing, his dad asked. Playing cards was the reply. Really, said his dad. Whose your partner? To which little Johnny replied, who needs a partner when you've got a good hand.